i already moved

sorry...

and not that anybody is ever reading my blogs here but just for the sake of those who pass by (wishful thinking).. I've moved my blog to..

http://mynoodlejuice.wordpress.com

thanks and i really hope you guys can drop by

:)

just so...

Just so my blog wouldn't be marked as inactive im blogging today.. haha.. i'm not busy though i just couldn't find the right words to blog lately because there's alot going on inside my head..

Not that people actually wait on for what i blog but i will be back on the scene soon..

And i hope this removes the "inactive" sign on my thumbnail..

:)

To You: Part two

To Mang Jose,

Believe it or not, i still think about what could have been and the what ifs of our one-term-almost-relationship. Though im happy that after being bitter to you for almost two terms after our tragic end we became friends and i stayed special to you (with all the special treatments and stuff), it was sweet of you to make me feel that what we have will always be there without having to say anything anymore -- its a given.

You have your own love life now and i couldn't be more happy for you than any other guy ive had special relationships with. I guess you deserve to finally find her (even though i know you could have picked someone better, looks-wise *grin* but ok, i know the personality and how you two jive together is more important, so fine im ok with her). You better stick to one now!

Im not bitter, and im sure now that we are better off as friends that being "more-than-friends" I was right the first time.. Its your fault you made me change my mind and i hate you for that! Hmmp! But you made my college-life exciting and fun so thanks..

i miss you!

Ewww.. yuck.. *kidding*


To my college friends,

I miss you too really really.. but i just couldn't move now, i still have no choice, but im getting to it. I hope you guys could spare me your lunch time )for now) because that's my only way out of here.. Im really sorry but if you only knew what im in to right now you'd totally understand..

I will make sure i'd see you soon.. I will

To you: Part one

To the greatest performer ever known -- Michael Jackson,

I still can't believe that you're actually gone -- for real. It's sad. I have never in my life admitted to being a big fan of someone but with you, there's no hiding it because you are amazing. It's really sad that i wasn't able to touch you or even see you face to face in this lifetime (though i would only be speechless and spoil that moment) but i know that when its my turn to be with God i would see you there dancing and singing like the king of pop you've always and forever be.

I miss you already, and in spite of all the controversies i am still your fan. I still have alot of questions to ask you but i guess "Michael Jackson" wouldn't be Michael Jackson if people completely understood the things you've done and would have done.

I still hope that your death was just part of your great performances where you'd just wake up one day (like your thriller mtv) and announce that its the start of your greatest come back.

You're still the greatest performer ever! You will be missed..

Thank you for bringing such joy and entertainment to all of us, we can never thank you as much but we can only pray and hope that you're happy and comfortable now resting peacefully and watching us. We know you've lived a full life.

RIP MJ ..

Tit for tat

It's my sister's burp-day! woohoo! :) But unfortunately im stuck here far away from her because of the typhoon.. It's flooding outside!..

Oh well on to my very uneventful life.. i just fished a job post and tried my luck and now im waiting for the final interview.. (fingers crossed).. i couldn't say more but then again my life magically became exaggeratedly boring and complicated and it has been this way for about a year and 2 months now.. but yea know, who's to blame but me and that's the sad part.. The only light i see from this dark tunnel is the day when they'd finally migrate to canada.. and i wish oh no i pray that he'd have to stay there for years and couldn't come back for me.. Honestly? i really wouldn't mind that at all.. As a matter of fact i would be so relieved..

Don't get me wrong though.. i really love him and that's without a doubt.. but ive come to realize that the key to a very fair relationship is for both individuals to continue growing.. In our case -- he's the only one being blessed...

All i want now is a job and a very peaceful separation where its his fault or probably the situations fault and we wouldn't have any choice but to give it up.. I don't want to be cheated because i really love him and that would hurt so bad.. plus the least i could have as a consolation for all these is for the risks i took and the decisions i made be worth it.. while we're together.. I'd make him happy and i hope he'd do the same thing... quits for quits.. tit for tat..

There's no point in moping again because it only reminds me that my life would be overly exciting if i didn't take this awful and unrewarding turn.. my bad..

So i guess cheers and a bright future ahead..

oh.... buddy's about to come.. can't wait to see him... six days and counting..

------

Oh the update..

But of course.. i still talk to her.. it's been frustrating though because no matter how i try not to see her faults it just irritates me and it has been so hard trying to keep myself from being sarcastic...

She's really boring and cheap. FOR REAL..

im keeping my cool though..

Sheesh.. its just such a wonder how the guy im with right now hates Bisaya people when in fact he has had bisaya girlfriends and not just that.. the cheap ones (for this certain girl)... I just smile everytime he speaks of how he hates all of the bisayas because its like he's eating what he's saying!..

a sudden change of heart?

I just came home from going school supplies shopping with the daughter of mr. partner, it was fun at least i was able to go out.. though not as fun as how it was when i go out with my sister.. The whole trip just made me miss my sister even more..

Its just a good thing that i finally found someone i could tell my feelings to (just regarding my fights with mr. partner and how bad he gets when he's mad and all...) just cause we're on the same boat.. She knows what im talking about and we both feel for each other.. It was just kind of odd because she asked me how i could stand being with him.. I mean, it was his daughter asking me that.. But i just smiled.. You can never trust anybody that much..

---
The Update:

I guess im not that bad... i just realized i want to keep chatting with her and just make her my friend instead of making her fall for "him" because then i'd get to know her and probably understand why she has the nerve to do such evil things to me and stuff...

Though im not closing my doors to make a move and all, at least now if i become her friend, id hit her more when she comes back and starts to flirt again.. like what they say, your friends are your worst enemy..

I'll give her a chance.. for now

:)

oh hello!

Don't ask! im just the same...

Hmmm... i feel awful though that i wasn't able to be with my sister when she wasn't feeling to psyched to go to her job... i should have been there to support her and stuff but im not there and all i can do is text her.. (but of course that doesn't count as being "there" for her)..

I just pray she'd find joy and focus on something else instead of minding her other workmates and stuff.. and that the year would pass quickly..

As for me, im still waiting.. i hope to get the results as soon so i'd know my next move..

I guess im really getting bored (for real) because ive been assessing my emotions and ive noticed that ive been really regretful about everything everytime my monthly girl thing comes.. which explains why im so emotional and stuff.. but today... ive just finished my monthly girl thing and i feel so bored with the life "with him" that i have.. so more or less this emotion is not just caused by my pre-girl-thing stuff but of possible real feelings...

-----
The update:
Of course i won't forget...

Talking to her is pretty much BORING in capital letters.. there's nothing interesting about her... she is an english teacher (in china) but she "can't" speak straight.. and she's a liar... oh my! i asked her if she had ever "lived-in" with a guy and she said "never" tsk tsk tsk...

very interesting though...

a very neutral day

I just rearranged the laptop desk and im now seated beside the window with the view of the neighborhood below and the feel of the wind on my skin.. hmm better :)

This day is fairly neutral, nothing new, nothing too exciting .. nothing.. im not sad, but im not happy either... but i miss my sister so much.. i miss laughing with her and talking to her for long hours, i miss bugging her and pissing her off, i miss going window shopping and SHOPPING with her and eating out with her.. i MISS her...

But i don't want to sulk..

I wish he'd go to Davao so i could have a vacation and sleep at home for 2 days.. :)

Things to do today:

• Continue my quest to find the perfect job -- i hope it ends soon
• Text my sister and my dad -- about nothing at all
• Call sleepy to see if i have to go to his office
  
• AB routine! -- race to 59!
• Stay happy

-----
The update

Patience, patience patience! It was a bit hard to actually get her to talk to "him" for a get to know convo but like what they say you just have to try and try.. And after about 2 days of trying patiently.. I finally got her.. :) hahahah now we're "friends"

This is where it all begins..

:)

seventh

The things you do when you're bored and left all alone...

I DO forgive.. but i don't forget.. and when i get a chance.. i'll get back at yah!

I'll do pranks on the bitch (now we'll see who's a slut).. hehe not that i'm still bitter and all that, i guess i don't have any reason to be because im pretty confident that the guy is mine.. I guess im just bored to death and i miss my partner-in-crime sooo much...

We used to do things like these during highschool, you know cause confusion and weird situations (and who would have thought it was US) hahahah... i miss it.. and now just for the fun of it and to see if i still have the skills to do so.. i think i have the "PERFECT" victim...

and it YOU bitch!

*heart pounding of excitement*

I wasn't exactly planning to be a mean person again but remembered her all of a sudden and started to google her yahoo id.. fortunately she has a profile on a dating site *ting!* that gave me an idea... see its all her fault..

Prank checklist:

• Create an email account ---- check
• Create an account at that "dating site" ---- check
• Send her messages through the dating site ----- check
• Ask to be her contact in the messenger (make some lousy excuse) ---- check
• Wait to see if she takes the bait and wait to be confirmed as friend (messenger) ---- BINGO!

And that's the start of a brand new hobby! hahah... you see if she was smart enough and not be the airhead that she's always been she wouldn't accept the invitation of a person claiming that "he saw her profile at a dating site and decided to get to know her more"... Dating sites don't give out your email adds without you're consent.. how the hell would "he" know you're messenger id.. c'mon!

But thank you that youre an airhead because i won't be as bored until i get a job ..

what's next?

I'll keep you posted

:)

confused? not really

I got the job... but now, im a bum again...

I was able to turn things around and convince my employer to hire me as a home-based artist. Just so i could work (get the guy im with's permission).. and so they agreed but it didn't last long..

Unfortunately it didn't work out.. i guess the emails i send gets delayed and all that...

Its sad, just when i was enjoying everything disappears again.. now im in search of a new employer.. I guess working at home really messes things up for me (ive hit strike two with that home-based idea).. I guess i have to make sure that my internet thing works to its highest ability and be stable enough...

Im still a mess.. after all these months, i haven't seen any growth in me.. Its like the worst year of my life (by the way, we've reached a year already last april 20th).. This is actually a year where ive totally been zeroed to personal/career/relationship growth.. and that's NOT good at all..

I've been confused, and ive been trying to figure out why ive come to this point.. but after i heard a messege at church a few months ago about fishes out of the water.. i guess the only answer as to why the blessing aren't coming through my life is because i have a bad fish in my life.. and the only solution is to through it out...

Im still waiting for the right time to do that.. like what they say, its all in the "timing".. i just have to wait and to keep praying for guidance to do that..

I promised myself i won't let this ruin me, i should go on and strive to be a better person on my own and not let him eat me up while we're together... learn and keep looking for the right job.. and wait for the right timing

i know it'll come...

:)

frustration to the highest level

I am totally on the verge of being out of my wits.. this is becoming so frustrating..

And he's NOT helping at all!!

I finally fished a potential job which i think i'd enjoy working with and who'd like to hire me, but it all went poof when i told the person im with about it.. He goes, you can go on your own if you work there/if you take that job.. talk about being supportive!

I've always believed that couples should be an inspiration to each other and therefore contribute to each individuals growth, as a person and in their career.. and from what i see he's the other way around..

Everytime he comes home, i'd have mixed emotions.. Im happy he learned something new, that he's improving and all that but at the same time i feel bad about my self.. terribly bad to be exact because i haven't had any chance to learn anything.. im not productive.. im not growing..

I feel so bad right now because i've never in my whole life, felt so uninterested to the coming days.. ive never said (with a deep sigh) "its another day".. and face the day just to wait for it to end..

Ive always loved what life throws at me.. but now... i dont know.. its been hell..

I know God's there... i know my wait will be over someday and better things would come... but i hope it comes SOON... because this is totally bringing me down and eating the "happy-me" alive

please God i need you, keep my faith strong and give me joy..

:(

nineteenth

I am officially on desperate mode to look for a job now..

It's so boring when you're already used to doing a lot of things everyday.. i mean come to think of it, ever since i stepped on my third year in college up to the day when i was still working with the first company i worked with after graduating, I've been working from dusk til dawn.. hahah

It's such a shame that I've been bumming around for about 4 months now tsk tsk.. I do job hunting once in a while, obviously from the word itself, im not taking it too seriously.. It gets tiring when you get rejected because they couldn't pay you your asking price.. i wouldn't want to bring it down though, because i don't want to come cheap...

But then again according to a dear friend of mine, its a good thing that they reject me because of my asking price and not because i am not qualified.. so basically, its their loss not mine..

And because of that thought, ive been "chillaxing" to the best of my ability, until i woke up today and decided that i can no longer bare the thought of being a bum and having my dreams stop just like that...

I NEED A JOB! I WANT ONE SOOOO BAD...

My late birthday blog

This is the second time I've missed blogging about my birthday.. i wonder why.. Should have blogged late march 2nd...

Anyway, on with the thank yous...

• For making me realize certain important things in life
• For good health.. inspite of having bells and all that (im actually back to my normal self)
• For God's blessings
• and for adding another year into my life..

You know, even if im going through alot emotionally (until now).. im still happy about everything.. i still think im blessed and again i think that's more than enough to thank God for everyday..

Things happen.. but ive come to learn that those have happened because i allowed them to..

Im just thankful im still hanging on.. and smiling..

:)

seventeenth

And so i've been thinking... if this relationship is really for me, why is it that all my blogs about it are all about uncertainties and anger..

It's weird to have to read how sad and angry ive become and still face the fact that im still "in" it..

It's not like i don't love him, i do (cause if i don't i wouldn't stay and i would have left ages ago).. but i think there's something so wrong about it.. I mean, im happy when we're together (we laugh, we joke, we bully each other) but when it comes to looking at the future with him, i'd agree (when im face to face with him) but once he leaves and im left with the thought, i feel like im ready to jump out of the window and escape..

He's nice, he takes care of me, he's sweet, but he keeps me boxed.. He's not very understanding and he has evil thoughts and doubts..

My dad was right, i should enjoy being single and enjoy living my own life while im young.. and from the looks of it, im not because i couldn't go out with my friends anymore, i couldn't even spend one whole day with my family anymore... he's selfish...

It just makes me feel guilty to leave him (now that's just "sometimes") because he said i inspire him and help him be a better person.. im his angel and his lucky charm... but who is he to me?

I think he's one of the reasons why my career suddenly stopped and i guess i blame him for it subconsciously..

It's very one way..

i don't know.. is this the right relationship for me? or is this just a phase im going through?

hmmm...

.. was just talking to a friend of mine who arranged the last get together dinner with my best guy friend. According to her there were only five of them who came.. patty (the "her"), gia, hannah, josh (the guy best friend) and his girl..

HIS GIRL??! (muse niya daw)

Am i supposed to get jealous or hurt?? i really don't know, really..

but yah know, she just said he kept on looking for me and couldn't believe we werent able to see each other... (awww that's just sweet).. he sent me a message though..

i miss him.. really, really.. :)

*c'mon now, he's your best friend right, you should be happy he's got a gal... (speaking to self)

sometimes some things aren't meant to happen

Just when i thought everything could possibly work out.. things happen...

Well my guy best friend is here in manila and as much as i want to go out with him, i can't for obvious reasons... but you know, im willing to take a risk just to see him again..

Soo... going out with him on his first week didn't work out..

• I wasn't able to go out with my other batchmates when he asked for a get-together reunion (which i usually attend to)
• Our lunch together didn't push through because he had other places to go to
• He made plans to go the week after that but unfortunately, i was about to start working already..
  

In short, i was totally bummed about it and just told him that we would probably see each other when he comes back for school (and that's if he'd still push through with his plans of studying here and all that.)

Then.. i changed my mind about working and turned the company down so i was free once again.. and just when i thought we'd have a chance to see each other..

• He get's stuck in Bora (because of the plane crash and therefore gets an extended beach trip)

He asks for another batch dinner (tomorrow).. and..

• My uncle died last night (because of cancer) therefore i can't go now, and tomorrow because i have to go to his wake.

** tsk tsk, so strange, but i guess things aren't going for us this year.. but you know everything happens for a reason, so i guess ill just go with the flow..

Sometimes things aren't meant to happen.. and you just have to keep waiting for the perfect timing.. ain't that sweet..

:)

home sweet home

hmmm... its so nice to be home again.. its just too bad its too short.. five hours from now i'd be going back to my "almost" married life again.. so sad..

* can't wait to get a new job.. fingers crossed..

:)

Am i wrong to be feeling this way?

Its just a conversation we had over text messages since i can't say it straight out on his face..

Yesterday, i discovered that he still receives pictures from his ex girlfriend.. what made me feel really bad is seeing how he exerted an effort trying to put their pictures together (like they're together in the photo or something).. and the excuse i got is "I'm just practicing my photoshop skills"..

The day before that, i discovered that he still (STILL!! inspite of everything!) takes her calls, and he even called his two other exes..

Who in their right mind would take a reason as lame as that.. he told me to delete anything i want because it means nothing to him.. but i didn't..

At the end of the day, i tried my hardest to hide the way i feel and still carried on being my normal self, just to see what he'd do.. and of course he didn't say anything about it, like nothing ever happened..

So today while he's at work i sent him a message:

"About yesterday, I just couldn't understand why, inspite of my telling you alot of times to stop communicating with her, you still do. I can understand that she's the one calling you first but if you don't really want anything to do with her anymore (just like what you said) you'd tell her to stop calling and sending you pictures and you'd also stop practicing you photoshop skills on both of your pictures. Remember when you told me to stop communicating with my bestfriend? I stopped ASAP as in zero communication with him at all, and i didn't regret doing that because i really love you. WHy can't you do the same thing for me? I don't think its too much to ask. My trust in you is still 100% and i still love you."

To which he replied:

"ok. that will never happen again"

I said:

"You'd seriously do that? or are you just saying that?"

He said:

"Im serious and i promise you that, not just her but the others too"

I said:

"thank you. ill take your word for it"

He said:

"Don't worry, that's for sure because i love you"

I said:

"ok"

**correct me if im wrong, but if he really loves me then why does it have to take him a long time to realize that he needs to stop doing that, that he's NOT supposed to do that! why does he have to wait to hear something like that from me..

Don't get me wrong or something but i don't trust him anymore, and as hard as it is for me to admit, i think my love and my trust in him is starting to fade...

The odd thing about it is that if you do something like that to him he'd totally get angry.. and he'd create fights accusing me of doing such things when in fact its him who's doing it..

Im risking alot for this to work and yet i get this?? i think its so unfair...

What an awful way to end the year

I guess its now safe to say that my 2008 really challenged me emotionally -- because it ended that wayas well.

It wasn't exactly how i pictured ending my year and celebrating the dawn of a brand new year. In fact, it was far from it.

During that last week, ive been thinking so hard about spending my New Year's eve with that special person.. It was such a hard decision for me because ive always celebrated it with my family, but i decided to spend it with him.. The process of getting permission from my dad and my sister was extremely hard for me because i had to make something up..

Eventually it worked out.. i was excited because it was my first time, its something new, and of course id be spending it with someone special to me..

The day of the 31st came and much to my dismay, it was the worst New year's eve ive ever had (and im not going to take that back, i really mean that -- it was the WORST).

Day before that, i discovered that my special someone still communicates with his evil ex which he promised not to talk to ever.. so when the day of the 31st came i wasn't too keen to spend it with him anymore.. But i still did, just to call it quits. I came to his mom's house, it was fun.. but that same afternoon around 6pm his brother's wife called to invite them to have dinner (of course i can't come because we're trying to be discreet -- and even if he wanted me to go, i never would have gone).. He went, leaving me all alone in his place.. inspite of assuring me days before that he won't leave me and go somewhere else.

Just to make time fly, i scrubbed the floor and cleaned the bathroom. Its true that when youre waiting for something time slows down and you literally feel the minutes pass by slowly. I felt so bad that while i was scrubbing the floor i'd cry and wished that i shouldn't have decided to spend it with him at all.. He came back around 10:30..

After sometime, a friend of mine called (the only wonderful thing that ever happened that day) to greet me and to let me know that he's already here in the philippines and to remind me to meet up with him sometime. For some reason, mr. special someone snapped, he got jealous..

Talk about not minding me and making me cry til the clock stuck 12mn.. I welcomed 2009 with tears flowing down my cheeks.. Beggging mr. special someone to talk to me and not get angry.. But of course i failed. I cried til 2, that's just when he started to talk to me again and believed that the phone call was really nothing to get jealous of.

I hated myself for deciding to spend it with him. it was awful.. it was just awful.

Its not something i'd want to look back to.. Its just the worst way of ending a year..

SO Now im wishing and praying for brighter days this 2009.. I know that God will make things fall into place.. i know He will make things happen...