my 2008 year ender blog

Its exactly a day and 12 mins. before 2008 ends and im already blogging my year ender..

Ive been thinking about how im going to assess my 2008 for weeks and this is what i ended up with..

An emotional roller coaster ride.

2008 has really hit me hard emotionally.. Im not about to rant and be bitter about all the things that happened, but instead ive decided to take it as a learning.

Ive been through alot, more than i could have ever imagined. Ive made big, wrong decisions in my life that i just couldn't get out of (even if i wanted to). I went through dealing with it without a shoulder i could really cry on. I felt so alone and lost. So lost that i almost thought i could never find my way out.

I got scared because i got sick and i dealt with it alone (emotionally) because it was the first time i had to go through something serious away from my parents. And along with that i had to fight for a relationship which until now im not sure of.

But inspite of it all, here i am still standing and already holding on to a hope of a bright new year, happy that even though it was awfully hard for me, i was able to go through it all leaving me with the lessons i couldn't ever forget for the rest of my life.

Thankful to have God on my side no matter what, and that even if His blessings weren't directly showered on me, it was given to the people whom i love (family and friends). And that His protection is more than enough for me to be happy about.

I can't wait to start 2009, nervous, yea, but i have to start to pick myself up again and be on my way to reach my dreams and correct the wrong decisions ive made one step at a time.. of course with God's help..

So best of luck and God bless for all of us this coming 2009

:)

!@%#$%!

How dare you speak about having kids with me and marrying me when you still flirt with other girls!!

You tell me you love me and you keep promising me you won't ruin my trust on you but you're fucking flirting with someone else... you really think i don't know that!

How could you lie and look at me in the eye!!

How selfish can you get.. can't you fucking see the risks im taking for our relationship to work!?

And how dare you get mad at me and accuse me of doing "something" when all this time its you who's doing it!! FUCK YOU!!!

*ang tigas din ng muka mo noh!

DAMN YOU, YOURE JUST ONE LYING BASTARD!!

boxed

I've always wanted to live alone -- to live independently.. As a matter of fact, it is one of my dreams. But i guess its a dream that ended up in the wrong way..

It's true -- "be careful for what you wish for" because you just might get it all and then some you don't want..

I don't exactly live "alone" (because i live with someone) but i live pretty much independently from the comforts of my real home and away from my dad's protection. Don't get me wrong, its not that im not well taken cared off, because i am and im very grateful for that, but i do get lonely.

I think it's too early for me to live this way. You see, my dream is to live alone (like study in another country, to eventually work there, have a place of my own and try new things all by myself) not this way.. I'm like married already!

It is fun to have him around, it's always filled with happy experiences and love but it also makes me feel like im in a box. Things in my life have changed in heaps and i feel like i dont have much choice anymore.

What makes things worse for me is that the whole situation is kept secret. Nobody in my family knows about it, not even my closest friends. It's harder not being able to share it with people who really mean alot to me.

Sometimes when im alone at night, my tear just falls down my cheeks. I couldn't even say anything, i just cry and talk to God. Thinking about it right now, i think, it's the result of all my suppressed feelings. Months worth of fear, worries, guilt -- what have yous..

I can honestly say that im not totally sad. As a matter of fact, im happy with him. I don't have any regrets, just that my intro about him to my parents before wasn't too good and i couldn't get that back anymore.

It just gets too complicated month after month. But i know that everything happens for a reason, and whatever it is, i still don't know. But im sure that God will see me through.. i know He will, like He always does...

alone-time

hmmm...

im actually happy to be able to have my "alone-time" and blog.. (using free wifi) hahah..

what to say? i dont know...

i guess im in that mood where you know you have a lot going on in your mind but you can't get it out because they all rush out all at the same time..

i want to talk about how i feel (relationship wise).. about my worries.. about my career and just random stuff.. but right now, it just doesnt want to come out..

its just odd that when i go to bed at night, that's the time they wake me up and make me want to blog... but i can't because i have company..

i think, ill just enjoy my time alone.. and blog some other time... when my mind is set and the coast is clear.

right now i guess im just loving the weather --- no sun just, cold breeze .. hmmm perfect!

a text messege

Its so hard to pretend to be
friends with someone special

When every time you look at that person,
It just hurts even more,
knowing that all you see is

Ultimately everything that you want
but you can't have...

** very true

paralyzed

Its a little too late for me to blog about this but i guess it would be better for me to actually share what i feel..

Three weeks ago (aug 28, 2008 to be exact), i woke up feeling very unusual, i know there's something wrong with me.. i looked at myself in the mirror and i noticed that my lips went sideways everytime i pout.. I didn't mind it at that time, thinking that i might have slept on that side of my face and it got stuck or something.. but it was really bothering me..

The following day, i felt that the right side of my face was not functioning.. although it wasn't deformed or anything like that, i couldn't close my right eye, i couldnt make the right side of my nose big and so on... Right then i knew i have Bellspalcy..

On the 30th of august i was diagnosed to have Bellspalcy.. although it was mild because you would only know i have it when i pout and close my eyes -- i was advised by the doctor to be in Complete Bed Rest for two weeks..

I was stressed and at that time i just got out of the company i sooo wanted to get out off.. For sometime i was enjoying every moment of my CBR, until it hit me one day that what if things wont be normal again.. I wanted to get out and start looking for a job.. It was really bothering me that the plans i have wouldn't push through after all.. There were alot of things going on, like my parents wanted me to come home (and i understand them totally), and that my bf wanted me to stay with him too.. I felt like my world was soo small and that i cant move, i dont know what to do first or even actually DO..

The Bellspalcy thing scared me, but i guess what scared me the most was having all my plans ruined like im paralyzed, not literally but paralyzed in the sense that i couldn't live my dreams, that im stuck in a box, scared to disappoint my parents, scared to disappoint my bf and scared not to find a new job because doing nothing already bored the hell out of me..

I know that ive done alot of bad things and that im undeserving.. but unfailingly God still answered my prayers and made everything fall into place again..

Im healed (and according to the doctor i recovered really fast, thank God for that).. and i have a new job (same job, but diff company which i totally love..)

I guess the only lesson learned here is that to have faith in God that no matter what He will never leave you.. no matter what...

:)

Im finally out!

Ok.. so its not yet official but its going to be..

Remember when ive been very eager to get out of the company where im working? well now, after waiting for them to let me go (for almost 4 months) im outta there! whoohoo...

Its a long story, like they asked me to extend after passing my resignation letter, just until they find new people for my department and that they never really want me to leave (and the rest of us) because the big boss loves our group.. but come on what the hell, they should have given us better benefits and privilages.. and they should fix their system.. nobody in their right mind would stay long enough there..

But in all fairness, i learned alot from them..

I still have many stories to tell about my whole stay there, which i cant do right now because im still too overwhelmed with the news that there's a really BIG possibility that my resignation would finally and i should say that again "FINALLY" take effect..

i just love it.. i do have worries but i love it.. its like being set free..

hahahah

til then..

just when i thought im getting used to it...

my confidence on that company just crumbles down again..

For jsut about a month or so, ive been through ALOT and i have seen alot of very uncalled for shitness an overly oppressive human being could ever do.

Think about it, he had all of us go through a military training for half a day (imagine going through a military course twice and then afterwards had us play airsoft) and then back to the office to work.. Imagine how exhausted everyone is.. i mean, playing airsoft is no big of a deal, its fun but to have him inflict pressure on us while playing and to have it done after being too exhausted from taking military course without being properly warmed up??!?! the hell with him!

And all sorts of other uncalled for things... ive been through all that.. and for some time i was really decided to leave the company. My friends and i were really preparing ourselves to leave and then for some reason, we decided to hold on for a little longer because it would probably be a good experience for all of us... Then slowly our friends who were Account executives gave up and left the company...

That made us think again... and then now... my boss' brother is making his move!... He's older than our boss and he already has 5 kids all from different mothers!.. its freaking me out and its sooo awkward to have him around..

i really really want to leave.. im so confused.. i dont know how to weigh things..

Im afraid that if i resign id look like im a quitter because ive jsut been there for about a month or so...

im really lost right now.. i never want to go back to the company because i dont want to see my boss' brother...

Everything's fine, im already ok, just scrap the boss and his crazy ideas and his brother and im ok with the company... i love my job and the people i work with.. but i cant last if things like these keep happening..

what should i do? should i leave and look for another job or leave and just apply to take post grad studies...

please help.. any advice would be greatly appreciated..

my post-birthday blog

Belated happy birthday to me!

It's just funny that i skipped blogging on my special day because im a working girl now.. hahah..

Ive jsut gone through re-reading my past birthday blogs and im extremely happy that each year i never run out of things to be thankful for.. Its a plus thing for being able to get what i want (material wise) each year but i think being able to receive blessings in alot of different ways and being able to go through impossible situations (and surviving) makes me look forward to the next years of my life..

Ive learned alot from "my" last year and that's a gift id really treasure for the rest of my life..

:)

my first blood

I guess there's nothing sweeter than finally getting your first salary! and i finally got mine! wohoo!

Im still surviving and i think getting my first blood helped make me want to stay for as long as i can take things..

There have been improvements with regards to what they make us (meaning the team) do.. now we have all sorts.. from caricatures, to mock ups, to posters and FA's, stages and all that stuff.. I like it, its fun.. but at the same time, there ARE very unreasonable ideas and rules you can never imagine..

I wouldnt want to spill the company's name or anything but for some strange reason our big guy opened a networking business and he required all of his employees to recruit for it.. (i mean hello?! what the heck!! are you crazy or something?!) until a given date, hopefully after that its over but if we had to go through that til forever im really quiting.. that's one thing that makes me want to leave... the other one was... he wanted our department rooms to be really clean (nothing wrong with that of course and i think he's right) but what's wrong is, he would hold the salary for as long until your place is totally and i mean totally clean.. Imagine scrubbing the ceilings and floor and meeting deadlines..

His ideas are sometimes over the top!... Remember that we always have General Assembly's on Mondays now this coming Monday things would be different... He wanted to test everyone's strength and endurance.. so he planned a boot-camp/war games kind of General assembly.. We are actually going to a military training camp just for that... But im looking forward to it.. i always love doing things like that..

And a long list follows this.......

Oh well.. i guess the only thing that id be proud of once i get to survive here is that i know i can deal with the "toughest and weirdest" situations ever...

wohoo!! first blood!!!!

On shaky ground

ALREADY?!?!?

DOn't get me wrong.. i LOVE my job... but its more than what i really expected. Ive heard of not going home and not sleeping for a project, but not sleeping and staying in the office for 24 hours not to mention working on saturdays and sundays?? hmmmm i guess that's a little too much...

I dont like the boss.. im scared of him, the very sight of that short, fast-walking creature scares the hell out of me.. Its like when he's around my world just stops!!

But i really dont know... im like, i love this job, i love my workmates, i love the culture of the company.. but i dont think i'll last and its far from my dream job... im not for Final Artworks (yea yea i ought to master how to do that) but id rather think of a concept and design and execute it.. I really dont know..

*sigh*

we'll see, we'll see....

Tadah! Welcome to the Creative Industry!

Finally! im officially a working girl and a graphic designer!.. Im starting tomorrow! hahaha

This is it! a fresh start for the fresh grad!

After going through a whole lot of interviews i finally got hired!.. And ive realized, probably the only thing that kept me from getting hired was cuz i was still in school and they really need someone who'd be totally devoted to the job and all that.. so maybe they were really impressed with my performance and portfolio, it just wasn't the right time then.. but anyway, past is past and now IM HIRED!!

Im excited of course, considering that the team im in is composed of people ive known from school, and who i once was close to.. (it really pays to have friends of all sorts, you know, one from the rockers, and from the prim and proper.. that kind of thing.. i guess you learn alot from them more than sticking to just one kind or whatever you call that).. Also, ill be having my own desk.. and a brand new Mac to work with (and on)... and ill get paid!!!!

What im worried about is the working hours.. since its an advertising agency.. time is very flexible.. ive recently learned taht my friend who got hired 2 weeks before me slept in the office with the rest of the team just for a project.. so imagine that...

Im actually having mixed emotions right now, im not sure if my decision of jumping in as early as now is a good one... No more late night chats and movie marathons and sleeping and being a bum for me from now on.. But more than anything of course im excited.. i think its just going to be like me going to college classes again, only with new professors (the bosses) new classroom and school (office) and some old and new friends ...

im blessed.. its an answered prayer for me.. i really hope this is my first stepping stone to reach my dreams!

Wish me luck!

to move or not to move

and so ive been thinking.. should i move my blog to wordpress or not??

Ive been looking at the stuff wordpress has and i personally think its cute.. not that im not happy with blogger and all that.. but i dont know, im really tempted to transfer everything..

Im really having a hard time to decide so im posting, just to get some help (hahah) and to try the "poll" thing here..

My CONS:

• Im used to blogger already
• I've finally, FINALLY got the traffic boost that ive wanted for soooo long. Its just now that people actually pass by and even read and comment on my blog, and ive just been approved at Blogexplosion (which by the way took ages!)

My PROS:

• The themes in wordpress are pretty much interesting.
  
• Its pretty much as user-friendly as blogger.

Just two-on-two...

*Just look a lil to your left and vote if i should or should not.. and comment on why you think i should or should not..

thought i lost everything

GOSH!!! *breathes deeply*

I thought ive lost everything ive blogged for the last how many months.... OMG!! *breathes deeply*

I was trying to put that "recent comments" widget on my blog and it does work with just the first part.. but there's this option where you can make it even better (which i dont understand what part of it'll change) so i followed and changed some codes on my html and viola! my blog posts were gone.. I backed up my template but it still doesnt show my posts (for some strange, freaky reason).. i guess i turned a bit pale because i felt cold..

I reverted it... and now its back... with the plain "recent comments" widget.. The widget is nice and most importantly -- its working (along with my blog posts! whew!)

Its true.. people dont really get contented.. hahahah so lesson learned? obviously, be contented with a working widget.. (or learn how to make codes work!!)

cheerios

tenth

Nothing too unusual except that my mind has been infested with lots and lots of plans and ideas and dreams... and its already making me tired..

I know its a healthy thing to have dreams and all that and it really inspires me to go forth and touch the sky but when it keeps swimming inside your head day and night and there are alot of different options it makes you want to lock yourself inside your room and be a bum for the rest of your life..

Maybe im just overly excited to join the real world and make my dreams come true... But i guess before that.. i should make decisions first.. and probably people from all over could help me with it.. Its always nice to get other's opinions and suggestions.. sooo here goes...

The dream. To actually travel all over the world and make a fortune out of my job (being a graphic artist / illustrator). Or at least have my work of art spread all over the world (that's such an unreachable dream for me as of this moment though)

The options.

• Go ahead and get a job for two years to get an experience and carry on afterwards and work in New Zealand (as a graphic artist / illustrator)
• Study in New Zealand before working there
• Just work here til i get old
• Just look for a job that would allow me to travel all over the world

What do you think?

my late year ender

And there it is.... Happy New year to all.. a fresh start for all of us.. and most certainly for me.. I guess for me this is more of.. "my entering the real world" year..

Of course i wouldn't let myself forget tip-tapping down the things ive learned and the significant events of my life during '07.. and here goes....

• On life. It is really short and health is really very important.
  
• On career. Well, i really really hate HRs really!! The company bouncers! It just isn't very ethical to me just cuz they tell me they are very impressed with my performance and portfolio and they wouldn't call back.. i wonder why.. is it because im still in school or is it because they weren't really impressed..?! Hello?? just tell me the fucking truth so i can improve on whatever is wrong...
• On God. He's my key to success!! He is the very reason i passed my thesis surprisingly with flying colors, and i know without Him i wouldn't have made it!
• Believing in myself. Had my very first exhibit with my friends and it was such a success (even if i was terribly sick that time). And during that time i never really expected people to acknowledge my art as a "wow" art but alot of significant people did and it really made me feel like i do belong in this industry (finally).

Im graduating this year and im off to the real world! its a fresh start and i do hope and pray that all my life goals and dreams come true.. im extremely nervous but very excited..

Cheers to all!