confused? not really

I got the job... but now, im a bum again...

I was able to turn things around and convince my employer to hire me as a home-based artist. Just so i could work (get the guy im with's permission).. and so they agreed but it didn't last long..

Unfortunately it didn't work out.. i guess the emails i send gets delayed and all that...

Its sad, just when i was enjoying everything disappears again.. now im in search of a new employer.. I guess working at home really messes things up for me (ive hit strike two with that home-based idea).. I guess i have to make sure that my internet thing works to its highest ability and be stable enough...

Im still a mess.. after all these months, i haven't seen any growth in me.. Its like the worst year of my life (by the way, we've reached a year already last april 20th).. This is actually a year where ive totally been zeroed to personal/career/relationship growth.. and that's NOT good at all..

I've been confused, and ive been trying to figure out why ive come to this point.. but after i heard a messege at church a few months ago about fishes out of the water.. i guess the only answer as to why the blessing aren't coming through my life is because i have a bad fish in my life.. and the only solution is to through it out...

Im still waiting for the right time to do that.. like what they say, its all in the "timing".. i just have to wait and to keep praying for guidance to do that..

I promised myself i won't let this ruin me, i should go on and strive to be a better person on my own and not let him eat me up while we're together... learn and keep looking for the right job.. and wait for the right timing

i know it'll come...

:)

frustration to the highest level

I am totally on the verge of being out of my wits.. this is becoming so frustrating..

And he's NOT helping at all!!

I finally fished a potential job which i think i'd enjoy working with and who'd like to hire me, but it all went poof when i told the person im with about it.. He goes, you can go on your own if you work there/if you take that job.. talk about being supportive!

I've always believed that couples should be an inspiration to each other and therefore contribute to each individuals growth, as a person and in their career.. and from what i see he's the other way around..

Everytime he comes home, i'd have mixed emotions.. Im happy he learned something new, that he's improving and all that but at the same time i feel bad about my self.. terribly bad to be exact because i haven't had any chance to learn anything.. im not productive.. im not growing..

I feel so bad right now because i've never in my whole life, felt so uninterested to the coming days.. ive never said (with a deep sigh) "its another day".. and face the day just to wait for it to end..

Ive always loved what life throws at me.. but now... i dont know.. its been hell..

I know God's there... i know my wait will be over someday and better things would come... but i hope it comes SOON... because this is totally bringing me down and eating the "happy-me" alive

please God i need you, keep my faith strong and give me joy..

:(