boxed

I've always wanted to live alone -- to live independently.. As a matter of fact, it is one of my dreams. But i guess its a dream that ended up in the wrong way..

It's true -- "be careful for what you wish for" because you just might get it all and then some you don't want..

I don't exactly live "alone" (because i live with someone) but i live pretty much independently from the comforts of my real home and away from my dad's protection. Don't get me wrong, its not that im not well taken cared off, because i am and im very grateful for that, but i do get lonely.

I think it's too early for me to live this way. You see, my dream is to live alone (like study in another country, to eventually work there, have a place of my own and try new things all by myself) not this way.. I'm like married already!

It is fun to have him around, it's always filled with happy experiences and love but it also makes me feel like im in a box. Things in my life have changed in heaps and i feel like i dont have much choice anymore.

What makes things worse for me is that the whole situation is kept secret. Nobody in my family knows about it, not even my closest friends. It's harder not being able to share it with people who really mean alot to me.

Sometimes when im alone at night, my tear just falls down my cheeks. I couldn't even say anything, i just cry and talk to God. Thinking about it right now, i think, it's the result of all my suppressed feelings. Months worth of fear, worries, guilt -- what have yous..

I can honestly say that im not totally sad. As a matter of fact, im happy with him. I don't have any regrets, just that my intro about him to my parents before wasn't too good and i couldn't get that back anymore.

It just gets too complicated month after month. But i know that everything happens for a reason, and whatever it is, i still don't know. But im sure that God will see me through.. i know He will, like He always does...