brain freeze

i already moved

2009-12-15T11:21:00.002+08:00

sorry...

and not that anybody is ever reading my blogs here but just for the sake of those who pass by (wishful thinking).. I've moved my blog to..

http://mynoodlejuice.wordpress.com

thanks and i really hope you guys can drop by

:)

just so...

2009-09-28T15:19:00.003+08:00

Just so my blog wouldn't be marked as inactive im blogging today.. haha.. i'm not busy though i just couldn't find the right words to blog lately because there's alot going on inside my head..

Not that people actually wait on for what i blog but i will be back on the scene soon..

And i hope this removes the "inactive" sign on my thumbnail..

:)

To You: Part two

2009-07-25T10:23:00.002+08:00

To Mang Jose,

Believe it or not, i still think about what could have been and the what ifs of our one-term-almost-relationship. Though im happy that after being bitter to you for almost two terms after our tragic end we became friends and i stayed special to you (with all the special treatments and stuff), it was sweet of you to make me feel that what we have will always be there without having to say anything anymore -- its a given.

You have your own love life now and i couldn't be more happy for you than any other guy ive had special relationships with. I guess you deserve to finally find her (even though i know you could have picked someone better, looks-wise *grin* but ok, i know the personality and how you two jive together is more important, so fine im ok with her). You better stick to one now!

Im not bitter, and im sure now that we are better off as friends that being "more-than-friends" I was right the first time.. Its your fault you made me change my mind and i hate you for that! Hmmp! But you made my college-life exciting and fun so thanks..

i miss you!

Ewww.. yuck.. *kidding*

To my college friends,

I miss you too really really.. but i just couldn't move now, i still have no choice, but im getting to it. I hope you guys could spare me your lunch time )for now) because that's my only way out of here.. Im really sorry but if you only knew what im in to right now you'd totally understand..

I will make sure i'd see you soon.. I will

To you: Part one

2009-07-08T16:10:00.002+08:00

To the greatest performer ever known -- Michael Jackson,

I still can't believe that you're actually gone -- for real. It's sad. I have never in my life admitted to being a big fan of someone but with you, there's no hiding it because you are amazing. It's really sad that i wasn't able to touch you or even see you face to face in this lifetime (though i would only be speechless and spoil that moment) but i know that when its my turn to be with God i would see you there dancing and singing like the king of pop you've always and forever be.

I miss you already, and in spite of all the controversies i am still your fan. I still have alot of questions to ask you but i guess "Michael Jackson" wouldn't be Michael Jackson if people completely understood the things you've done and would have done.

I still hope that your death was just part of your great performances where you'd just wake up one day (like your thriller mtv) and announce that its the start of your greatest come back.

You're still the greatest performer ever! You will be missed..

Thank you for bringing such joy and entertainment to all of us, we can never thank you as much but we can only pray and hope that you're happy and comfortable now resting peacefully and watching us. We know you've lived a full life.

RIP MJ ..

Tit for tat

2009-06-25T10:59:00.004+08:00

It's my sister's burp-day! woohoo! :) But unfortunately im stuck here far away from her because of the typhoon.. It's flooding outside!..

Oh well on to my very uneventful life.. i just fished a job post and tried my luck and now im waiting for the final interview.. (fingers crossed).. i couldn't say more but then again my life magically became exaggeratedly boring and complicated and it has been this way for about a year and 2 months now.. but yea know, who's to blame but me and that's the sad part.. The only light i see from this dark tunnel is the day when they'd finally migrate to canada.. and i wish oh no i pray that he'd have to stay there for years and couldn't come back for me.. Honestly? i really wouldn't mind that at all.. As a matter of fact i would be so relieved..

Don't get me wrong though.. i really love him and that's without a doubt.. but ive come to realize that the key to a very fair relationship is for both individuals to continue growing.. In our case -- he's the only one being blessed...

All i want now is a job and a very peaceful separation where its his fault or probably the situations fault and we wouldn't have any choice but to give it up.. I don't want to be cheated because i really love him and that would hurt so bad.. plus the least i could have as a consolation for all these is for the risks i took and the decisions i made be worth it.. while we're together.. I'd make him happy and i hope he'd do the same thing... quits for quits.. tit for tat..

There's no point in moping again because it only reminds me that my life would be overly exciting if i didn't take this awful and unrewarding turn.. my bad..

So i guess cheers and a bright future ahead..

oh.... buddy's about to come.. can't wait to see him... six days and counting..

------

Oh the update..

But of course.. i still talk to her.. it's been frustrating though because no matter how i try not to see her faults it just irritates me and it has been so hard trying to keep myself from being sarcastic...

She's really boring and cheap. FOR REAL..

im keeping my cool though..

Sheesh.. its just such a wonder how the guy im with right now hates Bisaya people when in fact he has had bisaya girlfriends and not just that.. the cheap ones (for this certain girl)... I just smile everytime he speaks of how he hates all of the bisayas because its like he's eating what he's saying!..

a sudden change of heart?

2009-05-19T16:31:00.002+08:00

I just came home from going school supplies shopping with the daughter of mr. partner, it was fun at least i was able to go out.. though not as fun as how it was when i go out with my sister.. The whole trip just made me miss my sister even more..

Its just a good thing that i finally found someone i could tell my feelings to (just regarding my fights with mr. partner and how bad he gets when he's mad and all...) just cause we're on the same boat.. She knows what im talking about and we both feel for each other.. It was just kind of odd because she asked me how i could stand being with him.. I mean, it was his daughter asking me that.. But i just smiled.. You can never trust anybody that much..

---
The Update:

I guess im not that bad... i just realized i want to keep chatting with her and just make her my friend instead of making her fall for "him" because then i'd get to know her and probably understand why she has the nerve to do such evil things to me and stuff...

Though im not closing my doors to make a move and all, at least now if i become her friend, id hit her more when she comes back and starts to flirt again.. like what they say, your friends are your worst enemy..

I'll give her a chance.. for now

:)

oh hello!

2009-05-18T15:25:00.005+08:00

Don't ask! im just the same...

Hmmm... i feel awful though that i wasn't able to be with my sister when she wasn't feeling to psyched to go to her job... i should have been there to support her and stuff but im not there and all i can do is text her.. (but of course that doesn't count as being "there" for her)..

I just pray she'd find joy and focus on something else instead of minding her other workmates and stuff.. and that the year would pass quickly..

As for me, im still waiting.. i hope to get the results as soon so i'd know my next move..

I guess im really getting bored (for real) because ive been assessing my emotions and ive noticed that ive been really regretful about everything everytime my monthly girl thing comes.. which explains why im so emotional and stuff.. but today... ive just finished my monthly girl thing and i feel so bored with the life "with him" that i have.. so more or less this emotion is not just caused by my pre-girl-thing stuff but of possible real feelings...

-----
The update:
Of course i won't forget...

Talking to her is pretty much BORING in capital letters.. there's nothing interesting about her... she is an english teacher (in china) but she "can't" speak straight.. and she's a liar... oh my! i asked her if she had ever "lived-in" with a guy and she said "never" tsk tsk tsk...

very interesting though...

a very neutral day

2009-05-12T10:11:00.003+08:00

I just rearranged the laptop desk and im now seated beside the window with the view of the neighborhood below and the feel of the wind on my skin.. hmm better :)

This day is fairly neutral, nothing new, nothing too exciting .. nothing.. im not sad, but im not happy either... but i miss my sister so much.. i miss laughing with her and talking to her for long hours, i miss bugging her and pissing her off, i miss going window shopping and SHOPPING with her and eating out with her.. i MISS her...

But i don't want to sulk..

I wish he'd go to Davao so i could have a vacation and sleep at home for 2 days.. :)

Things to do today:

Continue my quest to find the perfect job -- i hope it ends soon
Text my sister and my dad -- about nothing at all
Call sleepy to see if i have to go to his office
AB routine! -- race to 59!
Stay happy

-----
The update

Patience, patience patience! It was a bit hard to actually get her to talk to "him" for a get to know convo but like what they say you just have to try and try.. And after about 2 days of trying patiently.. I finally got her.. :) hahahah now we're "friends"

This is where it all begins..

:)

seventh

2009-05-07T13:34:00.002+08:00

The things you do when you're bored and left all alone...

I DO forgive.. but i don't forget.. and when i get a chance.. i'll get back at yah!

I'll do pranks on the bitch (now we'll see who's a slut).. hehe not that i'm still bitter and all that, i guess i don't have any reason to be because im pretty confident that the guy is mine.. I guess im just bored to death and i miss my partner-in-crime sooo much...

We used to do things like these during highschool, you know cause confusion and weird situations (and who would have thought it was US) hahahah... i miss it.. and now just for the fun of it and to see if i still have the skills to do so.. i think i have the "PERFECT" victim...

and it YOU bitch!

*heart pounding of excitement*

I wasn't exactly planning to be a mean person again but remembered her all of a sudden and started to google her yahoo id.. fortunately she has a profile on a dating site *ting!* that gave me an idea... see its all her fault..

Prank checklist:

Create an email account ---- check
Create an account at that "dating site" ---- check
Send her messages through the dating site ----- check
Ask to be her contact in the messenger (make some lousy excuse) ---- check
Wait to see if she takes the bait and wait to be confirmed as friend (messenger) ---- BINGO!

And that's the start of a brand new hobby! hahah... you see if she was smart enough and not be the airhead that she's always been she wouldn't accept the invitation of a person claiming that "he saw her profile at a dating site and decided to get to know her more"... Dating sites don't give out your email adds without you're consent.. how the hell would "he" know you're messenger id.. c'mon!

But thank you that youre an airhead because i won't be as bored until i get a job ..

what's next?

I'll keep you posted

:)

confused? not really

2009-04-27T15:22:00.002+08:00

I got the job... but now, im a bum again...

I was able to turn things around and convince my employer to hire me as a home-based artist. Just so i could work (get the guy im with's permission).. and so they agreed but it didn't last long..

Unfortunately it didn't work out.. i guess the emails i send gets delayed and all that...

Its sad, just when i was enjoying everything disappears again.. now im in search of a new employer.. I guess working at home really messes things up for me (ive hit strike two with that home-based idea).. I guess i have to make sure that my internet thing works to its highest ability and be stable enough...

Im still a mess.. after all these months, i haven't seen any growth in me.. Its like the worst year of my life (by the way, we've reached a year already last april 20th).. This is actually a year where ive totally been zeroed to personal/career/relationship growth.. and that's NOT good at all..

I've been confused, and ive been trying to figure out why ive come to this point.. but after i heard a messege at church a few months ago about fishes out of the water.. i guess the only answer as to why the blessing aren't coming through my life is because i have a bad fish in my life.. and the only solution is to through it out...

Im still waiting for the right time to do that.. like what they say, its all in the "timing".. i just have to wait and to keep praying for guidance to do that..

I promised myself i won't let this ruin me, i should go on and strive to be a better person on my own and not let him eat me up while we're together... learn and keep looking for the right job.. and wait for the right timing

i know it'll come...

:)

frustration to the highest level

2009-04-02T16:42:00.002+08:00

I am totally on the verge of being out of my wits.. this is becoming so frustrating..

And he's NOT helping at all!!

I finally fished a potential job which i think i'd enjoy working with and who'd like to hire me, but it all went poof when i told the person im with about it.. He goes, you can go on your own if you work there/if you take that job.. talk about being supportive!

I've always believed that couples should be an inspiration to each other and therefore contribute to each individuals growth, as a person and in their career.. and from what i see he's the other way around..

Everytime he comes home, i'd have mixed emotions.. Im happy he learned something new, that he's improving and all that but at the same time i feel bad about my self.. terribly bad to be exact because i haven't had any chance to learn anything.. im not productive.. im not growing..

I feel so bad right now because i've never in my whole life, felt so uninterested to the coming days.. ive never said (with a deep sigh) "its another day".. and face the day just to wait for it to end..

Ive always loved what life throws at me.. but now... i dont know.. its been hell..

I know God's there... i know my wait will be over someday and better things would come... but i hope it comes SOON... because this is totally bringing me down and eating the "happy-me" alive

please God i need you, keep my faith strong and give me joy..

:(

nineteenth

2009-03-19T16:38:00.002+08:00

I am officially on desperate mode to look for a job now..

It's so boring when you're already used to doing a lot of things everyday.. i mean come to think of it, ever since i stepped on my third year in college up to the day when i was still working with the first company i worked with after graduating, I've been working from dusk til dawn.. hahah

It's such a shame that I've been bumming around for about 4 months now tsk tsk.. I do job hunting once in a while, obviously from the word itself, im not taking it too seriously.. It gets tiring when you get rejected because they couldn't pay you your asking price.. i wouldn't want to bring it down though, because i don't want to come cheap...

But then again according to a dear friend of mine, its a good thing that they reject me because of my asking price and not because i am not qualified.. so basically, its their loss not mine..

And because of that thought, ive been "chillaxing" to the best of my ability, until i woke up today and decided that i can no longer bare the thought of being a bum and having my dreams stop just like that...

I NEED A JOB! I WANT ONE SOOOO BAD...

My late birthday blog

2009-03-12T16:52:00.002+08:00

This is the second time I've missed blogging about my birthday.. i wonder why.. Should have blogged late march 2nd...

Anyway, on with the thank yous...

For making me realize certain important things in life
For good health.. inspite of having bells and all that (im actually back to my normal self)
For God's blessings
and for adding another year into my life..

You know, even if im going through alot emotionally (until now).. im still happy about everything.. i still think im blessed and again i think that's more than enough to thank God for everyday..

Things happen.. but ive come to learn that those have happened because i allowed them to..

Im just thankful im still hanging on.. and smiling..

:)

seventeenth

2009-02-17T11:33:00.002+08:00

And so i've been thinking... if this relationship is really for me, why is it that all my blogs about it are all about uncertainties and anger..

It's weird to have to read how sad and angry ive become and still face the fact that im still "in" it..

It's not like i don't love him, i do (cause if i don't i wouldn't stay and i would have left ages ago).. but i think there's something so wrong about it.. I mean, im happy when we're together (we laugh, we joke, we bully each other) but when it comes to looking at the future with him, i'd agree (when im face to face with him) but once he leaves and im left with the thought, i feel like im ready to jump out of the window and escape..

He's nice, he takes care of me, he's sweet, but he keeps me boxed.. He's not very understanding and he has evil thoughts and doubts..

My dad was right, i should enjoy being single and enjoy living my own life while im young.. and from the looks of it, im not because i couldn't go out with my friends anymore, i couldn't even spend one whole day with my family anymore... he's selfish...

It just makes me feel guilty to leave him (now that's just "sometimes") because he said i inspire him and help him be a better person.. im his angel and his lucky charm... but who is he to me?

I think he's one of the reasons why my career suddenly stopped and i guess i blame him for it subconsciously..

It's very one way..

i don't know.. is this the right relationship for me? or is this just a phase im going through?

hmmm...

2009-01-16T14:02:00.002+08:00

.. was just talking to a friend of mine who arranged the last get together dinner with my best guy friend. According to her there were only five of them who came.. patty (the "her"), gia, hannah, josh (the guy best friend) and his girl..

HIS GIRL??! (muse niya daw)

Am i supposed to get jealous or hurt?? i really don't know, really..

but yah know, she just said he kept on looking for me and couldn't believe we werent able to see each other... (awww that's just sweet).. he sent me a message though..

i miss him.. really, really.. :)

*c'mon now, he's your best friend right, you should be happy he's got a gal... (speaking to self)

sometimes some things aren't meant to happen

2009-01-14T11:16:00.002+08:00

Just when i thought everything could possibly work out.. things happen...

Well my guy best friend is here in manila and as much as i want to go out with him, i can't for obvious reasons... but you know, im willing to take a risk just to see him again..

Soo... going out with him on his first week didn't work out..

I wasn't able to go out with my other batchmates when he asked for a get-together reunion (which i usually attend to)
Our lunch together didn't push through because he had other places to go to
He made plans to go the week after that but unfortunately, i was about to start working already..

In short, i was totally bummed about it and just told him that we would probably see each other when he comes back for school (and that's if he'd still push through with his plans of studying here and all that.)

Then.. i changed my mind about working and turned the company down so i was free once again.. and just when i thought we'd have a chance to see each other..

He get's stuck in Bora (because of the plane crash and therefore gets an extended beach trip)

He asks for another batch dinner (tomorrow).. and..

My uncle died last night (because of cancer) therefore i can't go now, and tomorrow because i have to go to his wake.

** tsk tsk, so strange, but i guess things aren't going for us this year.. but you know everything happens for a reason, so i guess ill just go with the flow..

Sometimes things aren't meant to happen.. and you just have to keep waiting for the perfect timing.. ain't that sweet..

:)

home sweet home

2009-01-12T10:54:00.003+08:00

hmmm... its so nice to be home again.. its just too bad its too short.. five hours from now i'd be going back to my "almost" married life again.. so sad..

* can't wait to get a new job.. fingers crossed..

:)

Am i wrong to be feeling this way?

2009-01-09T13:59:00.004+08:00

Its just a conversation we had over text messages since i can't say it straight out on his face..

Yesterday, i discovered that he still receives pictures from his ex girlfriend.. what made me feel really bad is seeing how he exerted an effort trying to put their pictures together (like they're together in the photo or something).. and the excuse i got is "I'm just practicing my photoshop skills"..

The day before that, i discovered that he still (STILL!! inspite of everything!) takes her calls, and he even called his two other exes..

Who in their right mind would take a reason as lame as that.. he told me to delete anything i want because it means nothing to him.. but i didn't..

At the end of the day, i tried my hardest to hide the way i feel and still carried on being my normal self, just to see what he'd do.. and of course he didn't say anything about it, like nothing ever happened..

So today while he's at work i sent him a message:

"About yesterday, I just couldn't understand why, inspite of my telling you alot of times to stop communicating with her, you still do. I can understand that she's the one calling you first but if you don't really want anything to do with her anymore (just like what you said) you'd tell her to stop calling and sending you pictures and you'd also stop practicing you photoshop skills on both of your pictures. Remember when you told me to stop communicating with my bestfriend? I stopped ASAP as in zero communication with him at all, and i didn't regret doing that because i really love you. WHy can't you do the same thing for me? I don't think its too much to ask. My trust in you is still 100% and i still love you."

To which he replied:

"ok. that will never happen again"

I said:

"You'd seriously do that? or are you just saying that?"

He said:

"Im serious and i promise you that, not just her but the others too"

I said:

"thank you. ill take your word for it"

He said:

"Don't worry, that's for sure because i love you"

I said:

"ok"

**correct me if im wrong, but if he really loves me then why does it have to take him a long time to realize that he needs to stop doing that, that he's NOT supposed to do that! why does he have to wait to hear something like that from me..

Don't get me wrong or something but i don't trust him anymore, and as hard as it is for me to admit, i think my love and my trust in him is starting to fade...

The odd thing about it is that if you do something like that to him he'd totally get angry.. and he'd create fights accusing me of doing such things when in fact its him who's doing it..

Im risking alot for this to work and yet i get this?? i think its so unfair...

What an awful way to end the year

2009-01-02T00:28:00.006+08:00

I guess its now safe to say that my 2008 really challenged me emotionally -- because it ended that wayas well.

It wasn't exactly how i pictured ending my year and celebrating the dawn of a brand new year. In fact, it was far from it.

During that last week, ive been thinking so hard about spending my New Year's eve with that special person.. It was such a hard decision for me because ive always celebrated it with my family, but i decided to spend it with him.. The process of getting permission from my dad and my sister was extremely hard for me because i had to make something up..

Eventually it worked out.. i was excited because it was my first time, its something new, and of course id be spending it with someone special to me..

The day of the 31st came and much to my dismay, it was the worst New year's eve ive ever had (and im not going to take that back, i really mean that -- it was the WORST).

Day before that, i discovered that my special someone still communicates with his evil ex which he promised not to talk to ever.. so when the day of the 31st came i wasn't too keen to spend it with him anymore.. But i still did, just to call it quits. I came to his mom's house, it was fun.. but that same afternoon around 6pm his brother's wife called to invite them to have dinner (of course i can't come because we're trying to be discreet -- and even if he wanted me to go, i never would have gone).. He went, leaving me all alone in his place.. inspite of assuring me days before that he won't leave me and go somewhere else.

Just to make time fly, i scrubbed the floor and cleaned the bathroom. Its true that when youre waiting for something time slows down and you literally feel the minutes pass by slowly. I felt so bad that while i was scrubbing the floor i'd cry and wished that i shouldn't have decided to spend it with him at all.. He came back around 10:30..

After sometime, a friend of mine called (the only wonderful thing that ever happened that day) to greet me and to let me know that he's already here in the philippines and to remind me to meet up with him sometime. For some reason, mr. special someone snapped, he got jealous..

Talk about not minding me and making me cry til the clock stuck 12mn.. I welcomed 2009 with tears flowing down my cheeks.. Beggging mr. special someone to talk to me and not get angry.. But of course i failed. I cried til 2, that's just when he started to talk to me again and believed that the phone call was really nothing to get jealous of.

I hated myself for deciding to spend it with him. it was awful.. it was just awful.

Its not something i'd want to look back to.. Its just the worst way of ending a year..

SO Now im wishing and praying for brighter days this 2009.. I know that God will make things fall into place.. i know He will make things happen...

my 2008 year ender blog

2008-12-30T23:44:00.002+08:00

Its exactly a day and 12 mins. before 2008 ends and im already blogging my year ender..

Ive been thinking about how im going to assess my 2008 for weeks and this is what i ended up with..

An emotional roller coaster ride.

2008 has really hit me hard emotionally.. Im not about to rant and be bitter about all the things that happened, but instead ive decided to take it as a learning.

Ive been through alot, more than i could have ever imagined. Ive made big, wrong decisions in my life that i just couldn't get out of (even if i wanted to). I went through dealing with it without a shoulder i could really cry on. I felt so alone and lost. So lost that i almost thought i could never find my way out.

I got scared because i got sick and i dealt with it alone (emotionally) because it was the first time i had to go through something serious away from my parents. And along with that i had to fight for a relationship which until now im not sure of.

But inspite of it all, here i am still standing and already holding on to a hope of a bright new year, happy that even though it was awfully hard for me, i was able to go through it all leaving me with the lessons i couldn't ever forget for the rest of my life.

Thankful to have God on my side no matter what, and that even if His blessings weren't directly showered on me, it was given to the people whom i love (family and friends). And that His protection is more than enough for me to be happy about.

I can't wait to start 2009, nervous, yea, but i have to start to pick myself up again and be on my way to reach my dreams and correct the wrong decisions ive made one step at a time.. of course with God's help..

So best of luck and God bless for all of us this coming 2009

:)

!@%#$%!

2008-11-14T09:13:00.007+08:00

How dare you speak about having kids with me and marrying me when you still flirt with other girls!!

You tell me you love me and you keep promising me you won't ruin my trust on you but you're fucking flirting with someone else... you really think i don't know that!

How could you lie and look at me in the eye!!

How selfish can you get.. can't you fucking see the risks im taking for our relationship to work!?

And how dare you get mad at me and accuse me of doing "something" when all this time its you who's doing it!! FUCK YOU!!!

*ang tigas din ng muka mo noh!

DAMN YOU, YOURE JUST ONE LYING BASTARD!!

boxed

2008-11-10T10:05:00.002+08:00

I've always wanted to live alone -- to live independently.. As a matter of fact, it is one of my dreams. But i guess its a dream that ended up in the wrong way..

It's true -- "be careful for what you wish for" because you just might get it all and then some you don't want..

I don't exactly live "alone" (because i live with someone) but i live pretty much independently from the comforts of my real home and away from my dad's protection. Don't get me wrong, its not that im not well taken cared off, because i am and im very grateful for that, but i do get lonely.

I think it's too early for me to live this way. You see, my dream is to live alone (like study in another country, to eventually work there, have a place of my own and try new things all by myself) not this way.. I'm like married already!

It is fun to have him around, it's always filled with happy experiences and love but it also makes me feel like im in a box. Things in my life have changed in heaps and i feel like i dont have much choice anymore.

What makes things worse for me is that the whole situation is kept secret. Nobody in my family knows about it, not even my closest friends. It's harder not being able to share it with people who really mean alot to me.

Sometimes when im alone at night, my tear just falls down my cheeks. I couldn't even say anything, i just cry and talk to God. Thinking about it right now, i think, it's the result of all my suppressed feelings. Months worth of fear, worries, guilt -- what have yous..

I can honestly say that im not totally sad. As a matter of fact, im happy with him. I don't have any regrets, just that my intro about him to my parents before wasn't too good and i couldn't get that back anymore.

It just gets too complicated month after month. But i know that everything happens for a reason, and whatever it is, i still don't know. But im sure that God will see me through.. i know He will, like He always does...

alone-time

2008-11-07T11:12:00.003+08:00

hmmm...

im actually happy to be able to have my "alone-time" and blog.. (using free wifi) hahah..

what to say? i dont know...

i guess im in that mood where you know you have a lot going on in your mind but you can't get it out because they all rush out all at the same time..

i want to talk about how i feel (relationship wise).. about my worries.. about my career and just random stuff.. but right now, it just doesnt want to come out..

its just odd that when i go to bed at night, that's the time they wake me up and make me want to blog... but i can't because i have company..

i think, ill just enjoy my time alone.. and blog some other time... when my mind is set and the coast is clear.

right now i guess im just loving the weather --- no sun just, cold breeze .. hmmm perfect!

a text messege

2008-11-05T14:17:00.002+08:00

Its so hard to pretend to be
friends with someone special

When every time you look at that person,
It just hurts even more,
knowing that all you see is

Ultimately everything that you want
but you can't have...

** very true

paralyzed

2008-09-19T11:47:00.002+08:00

Its a little too late for me to blog about this but i guess it would be better for me to actually share what i feel..

Three weeks ago (aug 28, 2008 to be exact), i woke up feeling very unusual, i know there's something wrong with me.. i looked at myself in the mirror and i noticed that my lips went sideways everytime i pout.. I didn't mind it at that time, thinking that i might have slept on that side of my face and it got stuck or something.. but it was really bothering me..

The following day, i felt that the right side of my face was not functioning.. although it wasn't deformed or anything like that, i couldn't close my right eye, i couldnt make the right side of my nose big and so on... Right then i knew i have Bellspalcy..

On the 30th of august i was diagnosed to have Bellspalcy.. although it was mild because you would only know i have it when i pout and close my eyes -- i was advised by the doctor to be in Complete Bed Rest for two weeks..

I was stressed and at that time i just got out of the company i sooo wanted to get out off.. For sometime i was enjoying every moment of my CBR, until it hit me one day that what if things wont be normal again.. I wanted to get out and start looking for a job.. It was really bothering me that the plans i have wouldn't push through after all.. There were alot of things going on, like my parents wanted me to come home (and i understand them totally), and that my bf wanted me to stay with him too.. I felt like my world was soo small and that i cant move, i dont know what to do first or even actually DO..

The Bellspalcy thing scared me, but i guess what scared me the most was having all my plans ruined like im paralyzed, not literally but paralyzed in the sense that i couldn't live my dreams, that im stuck in a box, scared to disappoint my parents, scared to disappoint my bf and scared not to find a new job because doing nothing already bored the hell out of me..

I know that ive done alot of bad things and that im undeserving.. but unfailingly God still answered my prayers and made everything fall into place again..

Im healed (and according to the doctor i recovered really fast, thank God for that).. and i have a new job (same job, but diff company which i totally love..)

I guess the only lesson learned here is that to have faith in God that no matter what He will never leave you.. no matter what...

:)

Im finally out!

2008-08-12T13:25:00.002+08:00

Ok.. so its not yet official but its going to be..

Remember when ive been very eager to get out of the company where im working? well now, after waiting for them to let me go (for almost 4 months) im outta there! whoohoo...

Its a long story, like they asked me to extend after passing my resignation letter, just until they find new people for my department and that they never really want me to leave (and the rest of us) because the big boss loves our group.. but come on what the hell, they should have given us better benefits and privilages.. and they should fix their system.. nobody in their right mind would stay long enough there..

But in all fairness, i learned alot from them..

I still have many stories to tell about my whole stay there, which i cant do right now because im still too overwhelmed with the news that there's a really BIG possibility that my resignation would finally and i should say that again "FINALLY" take effect..

i just love it.. i do have worries but i love it.. its like being set free..

hahahah

til then..

just when i thought im getting used to it...

2008-03-22T21:28:00.002+08:00

my confidence on that company just crumbles down again..

For jsut about a month or so, ive been through ALOT and i have seen alot of very uncalled for shitness an overly oppressive human being could ever do.

Think about it, he had all of us go through a military training for half a day (imagine going through a military course twice and then afterwards had us play airsoft) and then back to the office to work.. Imagine how exhausted everyone is.. i mean, playing airsoft is no big of a deal, its fun but to have him inflict pressure on us while playing and to have it done after being too exhausted from taking military course without being properly warmed up??!?! the hell with him!

And all sorts of other uncalled for things... ive been through all that.. and for some time i was really decided to leave the company. My friends and i were really preparing ourselves to leave and then for some reason, we decided to hold on for a little longer because it would probably be a good experience for all of us... Then slowly our friends who were Account executives gave up and left the company...

That made us think again... and then now... my boss' brother is making his move!... He's older than our boss and he already has 5 kids all from different mothers!.. its freaking me out and its sooo awkward to have him around..

i really really want to leave.. im so confused.. i dont know how to weigh things..

Im afraid that if i resign id look like im a quitter because ive jsut been there for about a month or so...

im really lost right now.. i never want to go back to the company because i dont want to see my boss' brother...

Everything's fine, im already ok, just scrap the boss and his crazy ideas and his brother and im ok with the company... i love my job and the people i work with.. but i cant last if things like these keep happening..

what should i do? should i leave and look for another job or leave and just apply to take post grad studies...

please help.. any advice would be greatly appreciated..

my post-birthday blog

2008-03-08T23:16:00.002+08:00

Belated happy birthday to me!

It's just funny that i skipped blogging on my special day because im a working girl now.. hahah..

Ive jsut gone through re-reading my past birthday blogs and im extremely happy that each year i never run out of things to be thankful for.. Its a plus thing for being able to get what i want (material wise) each year but i think being able to receive blessings in alot of different ways and being able to go through impossible situations (and surviving) makes me look forward to the next years of my life..

Ive learned alot from "my" last year and that's a gift id really treasure for the rest of my life..

:)

my first blood

2008-02-29T13:16:00.002+08:00

I guess there's nothing sweeter than finally getting your first salary! and i finally got mine! wohoo!

Im still surviving and i think getting my first blood helped make me want to stay for as long as i can take things..

There have been improvements with regards to what they make us (meaning the team) do.. now we have all sorts.. from caricatures, to mock ups, to posters and FA's, stages and all that stuff.. I like it, its fun.. but at the same time, there ARE very unreasonable ideas and rules you can never imagine..

I wouldnt want to spill the company's name or anything but for some strange reason our big guy opened a networking business and he required all of his employees to recruit for it.. (i mean hello?! what the heck!! are you crazy or something?!) until a given date, hopefully after that its over but if we had to go through that til forever im really quiting.. that's one thing that makes me want to leave... the other one was... he wanted our department rooms to be really clean (nothing wrong with that of course and i think he's right) but what's wrong is, he would hold the salary for as long until your place is totally and i mean totally clean.. Imagine scrubbing the ceilings and floor and meeting deadlines..

His ideas are sometimes over the top!... Remember that we always have General Assembly's on Mondays now this coming Monday things would be different... He wanted to test everyone's strength and endurance.. so he planned a boot-camp/war games kind of General assembly.. We are actually going to a military training camp just for that... But im looking forward to it.. i always love doing things like that..

And a long list follows this.......

Oh well.. i guess the only thing that id be proud of once i get to survive here is that i know i can deal with the "toughest and weirdest" situations ever...

wohoo!! first blood!!!!

On shaky ground

2008-02-13T23:59:00.002+08:00

ALREADY?!?!?

DOn't get me wrong.. i LOVE my job... but its more than what i really expected. Ive heard of not going home and not sleeping for a project, but not sleeping and staying in the office for 24 hours not to mention working on saturdays and sundays?? hmmmm i guess that's a little too much...

I dont like the boss.. im scared of him, the very sight of that short, fast-walking creature scares the hell out of me.. Its like when he's around my world just stops!!

But i really dont know... im like, i love this job, i love my workmates, i love the culture of the company.. but i dont think i'll last and its far from my dream job... im not for Final Artworks (yea yea i ought to master how to do that) but id rather think of a concept and design and execute it.. I really dont know..

*sigh*

we'll see, we'll see....

Tadah! Welcome to the Creative Industry!

2008-02-05T22:28:00.000+08:00

Finally! im officially a working girl and a graphic designer!.. Im starting tomorrow! hahaha

This is it! a fresh start for the fresh grad!

After going through a whole lot of interviews i finally got hired!.. And ive realized, probably the only thing that kept me from getting hired was cuz i was still in school and they really need someone who'd be totally devoted to the job and all that.. so maybe they were really impressed with my performance and portfolio, it just wasn't the right time then.. but anyway, past is past and now IM HIRED!!

Im excited of course, considering that the team im in is composed of people ive known from school, and who i once was close to.. (it really pays to have friends of all sorts, you know, one from the rockers, and from the prim and proper.. that kind of thing.. i guess you learn alot from them more than sticking to just one kind or whatever you call that).. Also, ill be having my own desk.. and a brand new Mac to work with (and on)... and ill get paid!!!!

What im worried about is the working hours.. since its an advertising agency.. time is very flexible.. ive recently learned taht my friend who got hired 2 weeks before me slept in the office with the rest of the team just for a project.. so imagine that...

Im actually having mixed emotions right now, im not sure if my decision of jumping in as early as now is a good one... No more late night chats and movie marathons and sleeping and being a bum for me from now on.. But more than anything of course im excited.. i think its just going to be like me going to college classes again, only with new professors (the bosses) new classroom and school (office) and some old and new friends ...

im blessed.. its an answered prayer for me.. i really hope this is my first stepping stone to reach my dreams!

Wish me luck!

to move or not to move

2008-01-28T17:34:00.000+08:00

and so ive been thinking.. should i move my blog to wordpress or not??

Ive been looking at the stuff wordpress has and i personally think its cute.. not that im not happy with blogger and all that.. but i dont know, im really tempted to transfer everything..

Im really having a hard time to decide so im posting, just to get some help (hahah) and to try the "poll" thing here..

My CONS:

Im used to blogger already
I've finally, FINALLY got the traffic boost that ive wanted for soooo long. Its just now that people actually pass by and even read and comment on my blog, and ive just been approved at Blogexplosion (which by the way took ages!)

My PROS:

The themes in wordpress are pretty much interesting.
Its pretty much as user-friendly as blogger.

Just two-on-two...

*Just look a lil to your left and vote if i should or should not.. and comment on why you think i should or should not..

thought i lost everything

2008-01-18T21:23:00.000+08:00

GOSH!!! *breathes deeply*

I thought ive lost everything ive blogged for the last how many months.... OMG!! *breathes deeply*

I was trying to put that "recent comments" widget on my blog and it does work with just the first part.. but there's this option where you can make it even better (which i dont understand what part of it'll change) so i followed and changed some codes on my html and viola! my blog posts were gone.. I backed up my template but it still doesnt show my posts (for some strange, freaky reason).. i guess i turned a bit pale because i felt cold..

I reverted it... and now its back... with the plain "recent comments" widget.. The widget is nice and most importantly -- its working (along with my blog posts! whew!)

Its true.. people dont really get contented.. hahahah so lesson learned? obviously, be contented with a working widget.. (or learn how to make codes work!!)

cheerios

tenth

2008-01-10T14:29:00.000+08:00

Nothing too unusual except that my mind has been infested with lots and lots of plans and ideas and dreams... and its already making me tired..

I know its a healthy thing to have dreams and all that and it really inspires me to go forth and touch the sky but when it keeps swimming inside your head day and night and there are alot of different options it makes you want to lock yourself inside your room and be a bum for the rest of your life..

Maybe im just overly excited to join the real world and make my dreams come true... But i guess before that.. i should make decisions first.. and probably people from all over could help me with it.. Its always nice to get other's opinions and suggestions.. sooo here goes...

The dream. To actually travel all over the world and make a fortune out of my job (being a graphic artist / illustrator). Or at least have my work of art spread all over the world (that's such an unreachable dream for me as of this moment though)

The options.

Go ahead and get a job for two years to get an experience and carry on afterwards and work in New Zealand (as a graphic artist / illustrator)
Study in New Zealand before working there
Just work here til i get old
Just look for a job that would allow me to travel all over the world

What do you think?

my late year ender

2008-01-02T23:50:00.000+08:00

And there it is.... Happy New year to all.. a fresh start for all of us.. and most certainly for me.. I guess for me this is more of.. "my entering the real world" year..

Of course i wouldn't let myself forget tip-tapping down the things ive learned and the significant events of my life during '07.. and here goes....

On life. It is really short and health is really very important.
On career. Well, i really really hate HRs really!! The company bouncers! It just isn't very ethical to me just cuz they tell me they are very impressed with my performance and portfolio and they wouldn't call back.. i wonder why.. is it because im still in school or is it because they weren't really impressed..?! Hello?? just tell me the fucking truth so i can improve on whatever is wrong...
On God. He's my key to success!! He is the very reason i passed my thesis surprisingly with flying colors, and i know without Him i wouldn't have made it!
Believing in myself. Had my very first exhibit with my friends and it was such a success (even if i was terribly sick that time). And during that time i never really expected people to acknowledge my art as a "wow" art but alot of significant people did and it really made me feel like i do belong in this industry (finally).

Im graduating this year and im off to the real world! its a fresh start and i do hope and pray that all my life goals and dreams come true.. im extremely nervous but very excited..

Cheers to all!

tenth

2007-12-10T23:55:00.000+08:00

Its one of my scattered-thoughts blog again.

Im just soooo sleepy but i still can't sleep because i have alot to do and its already making my head throb.

For some reason cobs is back and buddy's gone. Its weird but now i guess its true that when something/someone goes, someone/something new comes along. Im excited because my friendship with cobs is completely different, its more mature now, its nothing serious (relationship wise) but its more fun. But im missing buddy terribly. I dont know if i should as God to bring him back, but i think its much sweeter if he just pops up again just like how he came back a year ago

Im counting the days before my external, and im more than happy to be endorsed for that final defense!! i cant wait to finally sleep and not care about anything til after new year!

Thinking about that defense, im not really that scared anymore, for me its more of like, i dont care anymore, i just want to get over it.. But of course i want to pass with or without flying colors, im just too tired of it already hahah

----

just an update i guess

2007-12-04T22:42:00.000+08:00

Never thought i haven't been blogging for almost 2 months.. i wonder why (im not even busy) haha..

Just an update though.. ive passed my internal defense! whoopee and now im about to go through the last and final leg of my entire college life..

Then there was an almost "coup" in our country, the sort-of martial law policies for a day, I think Beyonce was here and Akon as well, and another bombing.. imagine that, in just two months alot has happened..

Im counting the days before Christmas (my fave time of the year).. i can smell that Christmas air again..

that's it for now, i better finish my remaining revisions so i can have that pen tab for a grad gift..

ohh.. and to whoever gets to read this, please pray for me and my external defense that's on the 13th of December.. thanks in advance.. *big bear hug*

I would have been there

2007-10-20T21:52:00.000+08:00

I am still amazed and thankful (really really thankful)..

Maybe alot of you have already heard about the mall bombing (Glorietta) yesterday. Well i should have been one of those victims but im thankful because God has guided me throughout the whole day.

Early morning i was asked by my sister to buy something for her at the mall and she said that i should go during lunchtime.. I was actually planning to go after lunch but for some reason i couldnt go back to sleep and my mind kept telling me that i should just go there as soon as the mall opens so i could go straight back home afterwards. And so i did.

I was there early, bought whatever i needed to buy and after that since i wanted to at least enjoy my stay at the mall for awhile i thought of passing by this book sale near one of the doorways of the mall but then i decided not to go there instead i went to the other book sale at the other end of the mall. After an hour of browsing through books (i got to buy one by the way heheh). I decided to go home. At that time i felt it was better if i just take the bus.

I left every valuable thing i have at home cuz i was going to take public transportation because my dad refused to go with me there. So no mobile and no time.

I was back home around 12 (lunchtime) safe and sound but tired because i walked (another story, anyway).. That afternoon when my sister got in from work she told me that the mall exploded (well a part of the mall) and alot of people were injured and there were dead people.

We watched the news and i was in tears when i saw that the places that i would have gone to were the exact place that got bombed. (the book sale and the exit way through the other transportation option instead of the bus). And it exploded an hour after i was safe at home (1 pm)

The damage was really big, and some of the people who parked their cars cant even get their cars, so there is a reason why my dad didnt feel like going with me that day. There was a reason why i felt that i should just take the bus, why i couldnt go back to sleep and decided to go earlier, and why i should just go to that other book sale.

I would have been there, but im here sharing to whoever gets to read this that God really protects and guides us every single day. And i have nobody else to thank that for but Him.

There is always a reason for everything..

Im still overwhelmed, happy, thankful, sad (for the people who got hurt) and angry (to those who did that).

*sigh*

of dreams and weird feelings

2007-10-08T13:17:00.000+08:00

Have you ever had dreams that feel like its happening for real while you're sleeping? Its weird right? and its even weirder that i only get those "happening-dreams" when i dream about this certain person (well there are two of them now and lets just hide them with the names cobs and buddy).

Its not that type of dream where everything is magical and fairy-tale like, its just like a normal dream, normal life situations, normal arguments and conversations like in real-life.

Ive had my very first "happening-dream" when i was in highschool (junior year if im not mistaken). It was a dream about "cobs" like im talking to him.. i guess it went pretty normal at first but then when he started to hold my hand i really felt it.. This guy has a rough hand (in real life) so when he touches you, you can really feel it. So i woke up and i could still feel his rough skin on mine. At that time i guess i had that about 3 times (but not all the time).

After seven years of not having them, it turns up again. and now, its about "buddy", different situation, different characters. In that dream i gave him a hug and he's wearing a coat so it has this texture and i felt it against my cheek, so i woke up and i can still feel it.. I had to run my hands over my pillow cases and my blanket cuz i was thinking that maybe i rubbed my cheek on its fabric, but the fabric that i felt was very different from the ones i had on my sheets.

Its weird, and it always makes me wonder about it once i get up.. i dont know if those have meanings or maybe i was just too tired or im subconsciously thinking about them, or my dream world is getting mixed up with my real world..

Im not scared at all, it just makes me wonder why.. why them.. why it feels so real... why it happens to me and not to anyone else i know of (like among all my friends and relatives, im the only one getting such dreams)..

Im not a psychic and im definitely not a junkie..

Zzzzzzzz...

Things you learn while procrastinating Part one

2007-10-05T22:37:00.000+08:00

Hmmm.. I am a self-confessed procrastinator, and i know for a fact that it’s a really bad habit but believe it or not I learn a lot of life lessons from it (well aside from the fact that it increases stress to the highest level when deadlines are nearing).

Anyway on with the story, I am proud to be a Filipina, I really am, but sometimes it comes to that point where I can't be so proud of the country itself especially when a foreigner comes and asks me if its nice here, I would more often than not say "yea... some parts of it" and I feel awful every time.

So one rainy day, I woke up feeling very "procrastinate-y" and I switched my computer on and started tip-tapping my whole day through the internet pretending to do something important while my project is slumped right next to me.. Finally I got bored googling for nothing at all and I remembered I have this newly downloaded messenger which I have yet to figure out how to use (and that’s none other than Skype). I learned how to use it in about 15 mins. and soon after I found myself loving every bit of it. It has this feature that tells you where the person is from (country and time) and it got me so interested because I have always been fascinated with different cultures and languages.

After awhile here comes a message from an Indian guy. Not that I’m a racist or anything it’s just that I never really had a conversation with them for more than just Hi’s and hello’s (I guess its based on my not so good experiences). So seeing that he’s from India I was really tempted to just say Hi and click the X mark, but he went with a good start and since I was still feeling procrastinate-y I took the chance.

I was surprised that the conversation actually went past hi’s and hello’s and he’s far from freaking me out at all. To make the already long story short, I asked him if it’s nice there in India and he was just so proud to tell me that it’s a nice place. He asked me the same thing and I once again said that “uhmm yea some parts” reply to which he said “You should be proud of your country” BAM! Like I was hit real hard on the face.. And he went on and said that I should start talking to a lot of Indians to learn patriotism because they are all very proud of their country….

I felt so bad afterwards, like I wanted to sink into my seat, it was a good thing that I wasn’t talking to him face to face cuz I would have turned red of embarrassment. But to my defense I’d have to say that I do love my country, maybe it’s just the authorities and some irresponsible people I’m ashamed of. I know we’ve got a lot to offer and I know that Filipinos are great in every way.. If only certain things wouldn’t have happened..

Anyway, to the Indian guy: I’d have to say I look up to you and your love for your country. I don’t regret taking that chance, maybe someday ill bump into you again.

Makes me think, maybe procrastinating isn’t a bad habit after all…

twenty-fifth

2007-09-25T20:13:00.000+08:00

I am officially back to school.. actually last week and well same old same old.. although im not too pressured about it.

It seems like im loving school even more now that i only have one subject. Anyway, i got an interview for a job, and i liked it. Ive been wanting to work and earn but alot of my friends tell me i really dont have to, that i should take things easy and enjoy my last term as a college student.. So now im confused, there would be times when i'd be too excited to get a job and an interview.. and then after the interview i would wish that they wouldn't even consider me..

ohh but i like this last company and i really hope they get me..

oh well i guess life is really filled with uncertainties

Say what??! haha

2007-08-22T14:21:00.000+08:00

I was watching the news and i came across an announcement that was just very ridiculous..
Its about praying for rain in our country.

There were a group of Catholic bishops who asked people to pray so God would send rain for the rice fields in the provinces to have enough water, then after a week of praying here comes a super typhoon, causing flood, traffic, suspension of classes and work (horay!) and all other stuff that comes along with it.. So now they are asking the people to stop praying for rain!.. hahah funny, just sooo funny! what a weird thing to hear coming from a Bishop..

Torn between

2007-08-14T23:38:00.000+08:00

Picture from google images

I have tried my best, and its the first time ive really given-up on something.. I just cant do it anymore..

I have just been toiling over my thesis project.. its not like its the only subject i have (i have 2 more) and all their defenses for some strange reason falls all at the same week all the time.. One can only do as much and to prove that i guess my body finally gave in to all those stress shit.. I got sick and wasn't able to do much on that thesis project and wasn't able to be on our exhibit for its whole duration.

Thank God that the defense for the thesis got moved so i was able to finish it up.. but come internal defense they just dont like the whole thing at all...

What the heck am i supposed to do?! ive done what i can but still...

I do want to graduate NOW i really do, but i guess it just wont happen yet..

Im torn now between still trying to fight and reach the deadline til this coming friday or just finish it up next term.

How am i supposed to finish a whole project worth a month of toiling over plus a 20 page activity booklet to come along with it in 2 days??! Im no robot??!.. I also have another defense coming at the same time im supposed to defend this effin' thesis..

I just dont get it.. WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO... really? im totally broken.. :(

TING!

2007-08-10T00:05:00.000+08:00

ok.. so ive been trying to figure out who "buddy" is in my life and finally Ive come to this conclusion..

he's not yet (my wishful thinking) my significant other or anything close to that
He's not just a close friend (but more than that)
Not just someone who just came and left
He's definitely part of my "loved-ones" list
And he's here to stay

With all that i guess its safe to say he's "a positive motivating force within my life" right now..

Not bad at all.. :) i guess im satisfied with that conclusion as of the moment, i can have a break with all that figuring-out-who-he-is-in-my-life part..

*result of too much listening to old school love songs

cheerios!

says who??

2007-07-19T23:38:00.000+08:00

A friend of mine just asked me "why i don't have a blog" or rather "why i don't blog?" I just gave him a smile..

I obviously have a blog, but for some reason, nobody close to me really knew about it. I once told my sister and plugged it when it was all new but when i started to really write my inner thoughts and feelings i decided to let them just forget about it and never really reminded them ever since.

I dont know if its just me, or its a normal human instinct to keep some of their deep thoughts to themselves and/or seek other people's (meaning people i dont really know) comments or whatever they have to say about it.

Of course i do value true friendship, but sometimes it comes to that point where you just feel that they'd just tell you what they think you want to hear to make you feel better, maybe that's because they already knew me too well (or so they think). And I guess its just a matter of trying to still keep something for yourself at the very least of course. With that being said i think nobody ever really knew me that well except God and myself.

I do open up to my friends but not to that point where they can already see through me like im very transparent..

I believe that some realizations in life are learned through random people and from people who really doesn't know you well cuz they tell you what they really think, not all the time, but its good to hear alot of different opinions and you just have to put to heart whatever hit you the most..

Ok so im a little bored...

2007-07-17T21:26:00.000+08:00

Find out your Harry Potter personality at LiquidGeneration!

Alright then, so i'm an old bearded being now.. hahah maybe cuz of stress.. But i have to admit im a big fan of that whole Harry Potter series (books and film) just fascinating..

Summer bum

2007-05-01T00:02:00.000+08:00

What's one of the saddest effects of stress?! being a total bum afterwards especially on a summer vacation..

Well at first thought it sounds pretty sensible for the mere fact that its a way to make up for that 3 months worth of sleepless and restless nights. But after weeks of being so you'd feel so effin' bad about yourself, like you've waste a whole lot of precious vacation time doing nothing at all.

What I've done so far:

Sleep and a whole lot of it
eat and eat
Watch tv
Plan trips with friends (just plan)
just lay around and do nothing at all
complain for not doing any damn thing!

So far so good ain't it!!! I hate it and i love it at the same time...

One more thing that i hate is the effin' temperature! its sooo hot! and i would rather wish for rain and storm than die in heat. Oh geez!

By the way, i passed that subject but i have promised to catch up before the term starts again which of course i haven't done and is four weeks ahead of me!! horay! next thing i know its dooms day again!

The spirit is with me :)

2007-04-04T21:54:00.000+08:00

Yey and thank you Lord!.. is all there is to say.. i am smiling the up-to-the-ears smile right now.. I was allowed to have a week more to finish that 70% project requirement.. and like what one of my friends told me and i quote "you have the Holy Spirit with you.."

Well, there's no one else to thank this for but God.. :)

So to finish everything else.. i'd have to end this for now..

Yey!.. prayers really get answered and miracles do happen.. :)

I need a miracle!

2007-04-03T02:16:00.000+08:00

Im super stressed out and there's no-one else to blame except myself.. Ive been procrastinatin yet again.. and this self-inflicted stress is the result of it..

i can't think anymore, i have a 70% of an interactive cd project due tomorrow at 2pm, three storyboards for a TVc, a meeting at around 10am and another meeting at 4:30pm!!

Current state:

im barely 5% out of 70% for the interactive project
zero percent for the storyboards
and its already 2:24am
what am i doing? writing this blog and recording it for future self-assessment (dang!)

I NEED A MIRACLE.. what have i gotten myself into again!! least i need is another "cuz you've been procrastinating again.." lecture from someone who knows me more than anyone else..

haberdey!

2007-03-02T00:45:00.000+08:00

Another year has passed my life and looking back from all that has happened and well re-reading my blogs i'd have to really say there's a whole lot i have to thank God for..

For pickin' me up... from being slumped for the longest time.. i actually can't imagine that i could actually move on from it.. and for bringing someone back (not from the dead), though i have yet to discover what his real purpose in my life is (and i hope its not just to help me realize and move on) im super duper duper thankful he's back..

For new experiences... that made me strong and for jsut experiencing stuff.. this includes my actual hands-on experience in taking care of my grandfather and seeing him in his worst situation ever (mental, physical and everything else).. for dropping a major subject and feeling that its one of those i-think-i-made-a-right-decision feeling ha! (beat that!) for arranging a very successful get-together for the first time.. for being able to beat deadlines (miraculously and i only have God nonetheless to thank that for).. For spending this birthday without my sister for the first time which is a sad thing..

And a whole lot more goes down to this list.. i guess its always a good thing to look back because you realize then that "hey ive gone through all that and i survived!" and it makes you smile that up-to-the-ears smile.. :)

i love living life cuz its complicated and it's filled with surprises.. :)

Happy Birthday to me! :)

Abra-ca-da-bra!!

2007-01-18T00:09:00.000+08:00

Do you believe in magic? .. i did but it didn't last *poof*

hey buddy...

2006-12-12T02:06:00.000+08:00

Lo and behold!.. i just did it.. i can't believe it!..

I decided to just tell him, i figured that he's one of my closest friends and most probably he won't put too much malice on it. I told him through a text messege and made it sound like a joke, well it was actually such a big joke for me.. (i find it weird and crazy)

this is the exact words: "Hey buddy, you know what, i find this weird and really crazy, cuz i think im starting to like you, and its NOT a really good thing!! hahah"

I had to wait for his reply.. and to make the long story short, it turned out really good.. he had to talk me out of finding the whole thing crazy because according to him its not.. so i had to explain to him my point (the whole risking our friendship thing and falling for my closest friend) and he goes "so does that have to stop you from liking someone?"... i was dumbfounded of course and all i had to say was "i don't know..." pretty lame but yea i really dont know what to say, he has a point..

I dont exactly know what this means cuz for one thing im not a guy and i can't read their minds but im hoping its not a bad thing.. (or is it? guysss out there??)

It seems ok though and its like our friendship's up one notch..

im super happy..

Wanna knock myself out!

2006-11-25T12:58:00.000+08:00

I am actually on the verge of defying myself from my life-motto "Good things happen to those who wait"..

It's weird though that when you see yourself so happy you still tend to look for something more than that. I guess that just proves how people really never get contented no matter what (material or non-material).

For one thing i know that i am still on the right track for not giving into the temptation of confessing my feelings to one of my friends. It's crazy like hell when i think about it cuz its just too easy to say, but i keep reminding myself about the fact that saying something like that would either make or break our friendship. And i just wish that i am right to believe that.

Help me see the point in here... background of the story dates way back when we were still kids, freakin grade schoolers -- we were bestfriends, or close friends so to speak and for some twist of fate, their family had to migrate to another country for good. So for 8 long years no communication ever happened. Until one fateful day (once again) he finds my name in some community website and decides to keep in-touch.. blah blah blah, he came to visit for a very short time, we met and started to be really really good friends again..

I am HAPPY! cuz of course he's back in my life (a special part of my life, i'd like to call) but then what's next? Another worthwhile fact to consider is that our friendship means a whole lot to me. And like ive always put in mind and heart that it's more than enough to just be friends not just friends but really good friends with him. (im the girl in the story by the way) It's like i'm really happy that he's here again and to risk our friendship for my feelings? is it worth to even try?

I'd like to think that God might be the one bringing us back together and that's a really good thing to keep in mind before i ruin everything he has planned for both of us and it just leads me back to my life-motto, but the real question is: Is it really worth it to wait??

I really DONT want to screw it, but it makes me itch like crazy.. hahah

Help! shine a really bright light on my blinding eyes!! heheh

to take or not to take?

2006-08-31T10:22:00.000+08:00

I'm not a nurse for one thing and i don't ever plan to be one [even if my grandpa insists i have this compassionate heart fit for a nurse.. well there's more to it i suppose].. Don't get me wrong, im not against nurses or anything, as a matter of fact, i look up to them.. They work harder than doctors [my opinion and observation] and they play a really big part in the whole medical scenario..

Anyway, there was this big issue about the Nurse' board exam, something about a leakage so they had to stop the new nurses [only those that took the recent exam] from taking their oath. Of course alot of them got disappointed [what do you expect] then there was alot of crying and all that.. [hehe too much drama] because the authorities decided that they re-take the exam..

I dunno what's so bad about that idea, i mean the authorities were right.. You see, if you really didn't cheat and if you really deserve to pass then you don't have to worry about it right..? just take it and it will all be good and dandy.. They have also been exposed to the medical world while studying [like interns since the beginning of their 2nd year] so they should have memorized what nurse' do and all that.. Besides, don't they realize that they would be playing a really important part in that whole medical thing so they really have to be 100% qualified, i mean HELLO! as soon as you're done taking your oath you'd be dealing with people's lives.. and THAT should be taken seriously..

What do you think.. am i right or am i right?! :)

just one of 'em surveys

2006-08-29T01:07:00.000+08:00

.. i dont usually answer surveys but this one seemed interesting sooo i think whoever reads this blog [that's if anyone does] should give it a try. heheh :D

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn't make sense.
NO CHEATING!

How are you feeling today? With a smile by Southborder
Will you get far in life? If I keep my heart out of sight by Nikki Gil
How do your friends see you? Part time lover Stevie Wonder
Will you get married? Kailan by MYMP
What is your best friend's theme song? Absolutely Everybody by Vanessa Amorosi
What is the story of your life? This Kiss by Faith Hill
What was high school like? True to your heart by Raven Symone
How can you get ahead in life? Invisible man by 98 degrees
What is the best thing about your friends? Everything you do by M2M
What is today going to be like? Missing you by the Backstreet Boys
What is in store for this weekend? The Past by Jed Madela
What song describes you? Angel of Mine by Monica
To describe your grandparents? Promiscuous Girl by Nelly Furtado Ft. Timbaland
How is your life going? No One by Aj and Aly
What song will they play at your funeral? Mas Que Nada by Sergio Mendes ft. The black Eyes Peas
How does the world see you? I don’t wanna wait by Paula Cole
Will you have a happy life? You were there by Avalon
What do your friends really think of you? Bop to the Top Highschool musicale
Do people secretly lust after you? High by The Speaks ft. Barbie Almalbis
How can I make myself happy? Take me out of the dark by Gary Valenciano
What should you do with your life? What makes you different by The Backstreet Boys
Will you ever have children? Just the way you are by Jay R

enjoy and fishao!..

is that a "hiyey" or what?! :)

2006-06-28T23:36:00.000+08:00

just a normal day... went to the office for my intern responsibilities, got there in the middle of lunch break but everyone seemed to be sooo quiet and no one's eating when in fact they love having breaks... (its deadline week!) no wonder! haha..

Anyway i asked for something to do and i was given the task to transcribe an interview with an actor.. MIkko Palanca! well he seemed very nice and intelligent, i almost wished that i'd also get a chance to talk to him, but then again that's too much hassle so im scrapping it from my wishlist. It was a long interview but it was fun.. It was actually funny because it seemed like it wasnt a formal interview like on the later part of it the interviewer said that she has a boyfriend and even told the actor (who was laughing and id like to imagine wearing an "uhh-ok!" face) that they (she and her bf) would soon be celebrating their anniversary.. heheh but the good thing about that was the actor seemed to open up and to forget that he's being recorded.. :) Actually i enjoyed doing it, and it was one of the coolest interviews ive transcribed.. :)

And then back to school.. after an hours journey, i discovered that our very-brilliant professor's once again absent!.. with no word whatsoever!.. Well, the good thing about it was that i got to have another senseless conversation with frostie... fun fun fun.. :) I guess i'd have to make wednesday a frostie day (well at least for this term!) :)

about to break

2006-06-27T23:27:00.000+08:00

... im soo stressed and at the same time im slacking off. No connection? well that's how i am now, i am so disoriented. I know im not like this..
Its like im sooo busy and my mind has a lot of things to worry about, wakes me in the middle of the night and imagine planning while you sleep... But once i make myself do it, im like, it can wait...

Maybe im insane! What if all these are just a product of my imagination.. Just making myself believe that i actually have tons of schoolwork and intern responsibilities.. When in fact i really dont.. Maybe ive watched too many movies about someone who's life is so fast-paced and that being chased by time is just a normal daily routine..

I'd like to think about it that way, or am i actually just thinking about it... think about it.. why am i even blogging if im "that" busy and stressed?!

Argghhhh... all these thinking just makes me not want to think anymore...

I need a hard slap on my face! anyone!?

a happy day

2006-06-08T20:59:00.000+08:00

Yesterday was one of those days unexpected happy days.. It was a wednesday and as my weekly routine i have to go to the company where i work as an intern. I was once again a little early than the usual (though not that early as when i started) and i carry with me a study of an ad design which i just thought of an hour after i finished preparing myself to go to work..

The thing is, i dont usually have much confidence over a work ive only thought of for an hour, but then i showed it and was shocked to hear the "it's a cutie" remark from one of my heads. It made me smile, and that was the start of a very wonderful day.. Although i had to add just a few details to it, they were all so happy with the ad i made and after coming up with the final and approved design she once again said that "its sooo nice, great job.." remark.

Anyway i felt so happy that my usual 10 minute walk to the train station seemed only 2 minutes and there was not a drop of sweat visible on my face. And although my 6 to 9 class which turned out to be soooo boring with a professor who speaks softer than i am, who stutters and gives lame examples and doesnt get his student's antics still made me smile until i got home..

Well of course it was kind of a freebie to be able to once again talk to frostie even if he seemed to be unusually quiet and being able to talk to "bah" made the whole day extra special..

I really love yesterday's day.. (sounds odd) but i really do..

nothingness

2006-05-05T18:39:00.000+08:00

the truth is...

i really dont know what to feel.. sometimes i feel like everything's meant to end up that way, like everything just fell into place.. and sometimes i feel like it was sooo unfair.. im happy, yeah i am, soo happy that all i can do is just smile at all the anwers i get, no matter how painful it is...

For the first time in my life after breaking up with him i felt soo comfortable, we went out, we talked and we spent time with each other, like everything was just like before, the only difference was that its not us anymore. I went home so happy that i couldn't even feel my cheeks, ive been smiling when we said goodbye..

I promised myself i wont ask him about us anymore, i know he would just turn me down again, but stupid me, i did... and its all the same..

now i dont feel anything.. im so lost, really really lost.. i keep telling myself that its just like in the movies, eat alot of icecream and it would be alright.. but it isnt.. maybe if i really did that i would have eaten all the icecreams in this world..

DOnt get me wrong im not sad.... i just dont know what to feel anymore.. i like him, and still love him.. but what can i do, i cant change his mind...

im scared it wouldn't really be us anymore.. forever.....

stress aftershock

2006-04-10T19:10:00.000+08:00

... duck and dill went hopping on the hill
to stretch a little blower
duck bent down and took his gown
and dill went flying over...

this is what happens to you when you've just gone through your finals... hahahahah :) cant imagine how i went through all of it at once.. imagine passing 2 final projects everyday in a week... whew! i cant blame my mind if it twitches sometimes.. ahhahah :)

Its good to be back though... back back back..... anyway why is it sooo weird writing in here but it makes you feel so good... its like talking to yourself difference is your not in front of a mirror...

ohhhh my mind is just too tired... really really tired...

fishao!

a pick-up line on a very hot day...

2006-03-10T00:16:00.001+08:00

This happened about 6 months ago.. i remembered it because i was watching an old Filipino movie on Cinema one awhile ago, all about trying to get a girl's phone number and all... Anyway, that day was sooo hot like you really dont want to go out but i had no choice because i have to go to school, i never thought it would be one of those days i will never forget. Everything went as it usually does except that i had a hard time waiting for a ride. Finally, an empty ride passed and i hopped in, by that time i felt like i was in heaven because it was one of those rides where the aircon really gives you icy cold air (not like those that doesnt give you anything at all or worse it gives off really hot air like that of a heater). a couple of other passengers hopped in and for minutes nobody sat beside me... until someone called and our ride had to stop... This is it!!! a hunk of a guy sat beside me. I wasn't actually minding him because i was still enjoying the cold air until i noticed that he kept saying excuse me miss for like five times already. I really thought he was having a hard time sitting beside me so i just said sorry and moved a little closer to the driver. I thought he was finally settled until he paid the fare and he had to say the "excuse me miss" once again.. I looked at him and he smiled at me.. next thing i know his hand was stretched infront of me, waiting for me to shake it as he introduced himself... i stared at him feeling a bit weird and for a second i thought he was one of those religious guys who would share the gospel to everyone on that ride so i shook his hand and gave him a smile... I guess he was waiting for me to introduce myself because he kept on looking and then again he starts talking to me... he goes... Miss, are you related to the Sequia's? and i was like to whom? and he continues... cause you look like Jenny Sequia... for a minute my mind stopped functioning and then i realized that that was just the most wierd thing a guy could ever tell me... i mean, i dont look like Jenny Sequia and i guess she would protest if she heard that herself... and he goes on and on, telling me about himself even if im not answering his questions blah, blah, blah... to make the long story short, he asked for my number and my name.. well, i had to make up a name just to make him feel like i was listening to him and for the number i had to tell him i lost my phone.. Its not like we'll ever see each other again... Anyway, even though he was a bit talkative he made my day.. that whole pick-up line thing made me smile.. I just cant believe that guys really do that (well desperate ones.. ) But i salute you... john where ever you are.. just a tip though, even if you have the guts, that style, doesnt work all the time... :)

happy birthday to me!!!

2006-03-09T01:13:00.000+08:00

Happy birthday to me last thursday... hahaha... its funny how i forgot to write something in here on my special day.. but anyway, it was fun even though i wasnt feeling perfectly well that day, and i was happy because i had time to think about all the blessings ive received for the past years.. i mean come to think of it, im 20 not a teen anymore but im not that ahsamed to tell it to the whole wide world reason: because there are people who never got a chance to reach this age.. or better yet, there are people who reached this age but not as healthy as i am now.. i know i get sick once in a while but im thankful its not that serious...

not feeling well

2006-02-28T00:46:00.000+08:00

i guess its a given that everytime you get sick you just cant think. I say that because i should be doing one of my homeworks today, actually i attempted but no luck.. it's just not happening.. i openned it and then i just ended up staring at it and listening to music. Its a good thing though that there's no classes today (thank God) well ive always wished that ever since i started feeling so bad and my temperature started to be hotter than the usual. But then again, while i was just watching television, i wished that this whole no classes thing happened when im all well and good because that way i can do anything and probably enjoyed the whole day.. ive got to get some rest...

come what may

2006-02-07T01:09:00.000+08:00

Nobody knows what's instore for them tomorrow, tonight even the next second.. It's like your playing chess, trying to figure out what your next move'll be, while being clueless of the other's plans. I have not proven anything "that" big in my life yet, but i know and i have learned through the many years of living here on earth that, our life is really full of surprises. Surprises that would make you smile, laugh and even cry.. I guess in a way it's kind of cool (that life is like that) because it makes us look forward to whatever's next.. (not unless you did something wrong and you're really guilty.. DUH!) You have to admit that a little mystery now and then spices it up and makes it more interesting and meaningful.. :) imagine if life is soo predictable like once you're born, you go with a book that says everything you'd be doing in your life or a video with your life "fast-forward" .. That'll be boring! you woudn't think anymore, its useless to try new things, its not fun because you wouldnt have the opportunity to do something for the first time and discover what'll happened next, to learn what's right and what's wrong.. Well of course for some reasons, even i, wish that i would have a glimpse of what would happened next in my life.. especially when youre expecting an answer to what seems like your life long prayers and wishes.. I guess its just a matter of waiting and having faith because i know that our lives are planned by God in the way that He knows best suits us.. Accepting life as it is wouldn't make things worse for you in fact it would make it a lot easier. In the meantime while we wait for what's instore for us and for new things to learn we can always live our lives to the fullest (an emphasis to that its spelled with a "U" not with the double "O" :)

isnt it suppose to be Valentine's day

2006-02-04T00:09:00.000+08:00

There is really something very unusual for the past 2 days.. Ive been wondering what it is and then it hit me, just now... why is everyone talking about ghosts?? i mean come to think of it, its February, 9 months away from the month of the dead.. cmon people, as much as i love to hear histories all those mysteries it freaks me out. Yesterday it was what everyone was talking about and then now, a person killed someone and took his own life after; this happened in an establishment right in front of our University (well, for obvious reasons that person wanted to put an end to whatever he/she wanted to put an end to..) I am bothered, really... well not that bothered-"bothered" i just want to know.. WHY? i mean i know the upcoming event isnt as Merry as Christmas, and that i personally am not a big fan of the event (valentine's day).. but im just sooo curious why, its the first time this ever happened...

this is something else now

2006-02-03T01:29:00.000+08:00

actually, i dunno what to write.. i feel like im in the mood to but there's no particular thing on my mind.. I still dont know how this thing works, and im eager to see if people really read things here.. :) i dunno... anyway, ive always dreamed of being a really good writer well not my dream actually but something that i wanted to do just for fun.. I love to read, and when i get to read a book that was written like in a journal, i would always stop and think that if ill be able to write would i also make people stop and think.. Im telling you now, im not like those who would really make you think after reading the whole article, but id love to or love to know if i did.. hehhe.. Its funny how it feels writing here for the first time, i feel like im talking to myself... hahaha..

first timer

2006-02-03T00:53:00.000+08:00

whoa.. im actually not used to sharing my thoughts.. but i guess there would always (and i say that again.. always) be things that would make you realize that somehow you have to get those stuff out of your head or you'll explode.. heheh.. :) ill try to make youre time worth while though.. (just try...) :)